Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, "The
difference between the Soviet Union and China is that I rose to power from the
peasant class, whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class."
Zhou replies, "True. But there is this
similarity. Each of us is a traitor to his class."

A rich man invited four friends to a banquet to celebrate his birthday. It was
already noon-time, but only Zhang, Wang and Li had come; his friend Zhao did not
appear, even though they waited a long time.
The rich man said anxiously, "Why isn't the one who should have come
here?"
His friend Zhang, an impetuous person, was very much upset at his words and said
to the rich man, "If the one who should have come isn't present, then I am
the one who should not have come. All right, good-bye." And with this, he
went away in a huff.
The rich man then said, even more anxiously, "The one who should not have
left has left."
These words aroused Wang's suspicion, so he said, "You said the one who
should not have left has left. Does that imply that I am the one who should have
left? All right, I have to say good-bye, too."
The remaining friend, Li, advised the rich man goodheartedly, "You should
learn what to say and what not to say; otherwise, you will annoy your guests and
send them away without your wishing it."
The rich man, hearing this, said, "Those two are too suspicious and
misunderstood my words. I didn't mean them."
Now it was Li's turn to flare up. "So it is I who should not have come; it
is also I who should have left." And with this, away he went.

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved to America,
they decided to change their names.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
And Fu...
well, he had to go back to China.

It is said: "A thief is a person of low position, but he can outwit a man of
noble character."

In the Shuifu Temple of my county, there was a big hanging bell. Once some
countrymen from Baling came down the river and moored their boat nearby. They
wanted to steal the bell with which to cast farming tools. Between them they
removed the bell from the belfry and lowered it onto the ground. Having stuffed
the bell with mud, they smashed it into pieces and carried the fragments away
with shoulder poles. Not a sound was heard by the villagers in the neighborhood.

Again I heard of a thief who broke into a house in broad daylight and stole a
chime stone. * When he stepped out the door into the street, he fell in with the
master of the house coming home.

"Grandpa," the thief greeted him and asked, " do you want to buy
a chime stone?"

"No, thanks," replied the old man, " I already have one at
home."

Thereupon, the thief walked off with what he had stolen. It was only when the
old man looked for his chime stone toward evening that he realized the man had
stolen it.

Another story goes that a man was walking along the street with a cauldron on
his back when he felt a call of nature. He put it on the ground to pass water.
It so happened that a thief walking by saw it. Surreptitiously he took it and
putting it on his head stood there and passed water also. When the owner of the
cauldron finished and looked for it, he could not find it anywhere.

"How careless of you!" the thief blamed him. "You see the
cauldron on my head? I put it there to guard against theft. Imagine putting
yours on the ground. No wonder it was stolen."

The above incidents show that thieves are crafty and can outwit men of noble
character.

Ma Xin, a magistrate's assistant in the County of Changzhou, was a native of
Shandong Province. One day, he went by boat to call on his superior.
"Where have you moored your boat?" inquired his superior.
"In the river, sir," came the reply.
This infuriated his superior who snapped: "Straw sack!"
At that Ma Xin hastily added: "The straw sacks are all in the boat, sir."

The elder of two brothers hoeing in the fields went home
first to prepare lunch. When the meal was ready, he loudly called his brother to
come home.
His brother shouted back, "I'll come back after
hiding the hoes in the bushes beside the fields."
During lunch, the elder said to the younger, "You know,
where we hide our hoes is a secret. If you say it so loud like that someone will
hear it and steal them."
After lunch, the younger went to the field to continue
his work. However, the hoes had been stolen. He rushed back and whispered to the
elder, "The hoes have been stolen."

After a party, the guests discussed how far they
needed to travel before they could reached their beds. One particularly drunk
guest said, "I'm the nearest."
A few other guests muttered: "No, the host is the
nearest." The drunk guest mumbled: "Not so. He has to walk all the way to
his bedroom. All I have to do is to collapse on the floor here."

A Scholar rented a room from a monastery
to use for study. In fact, he played all around instead of studying. One
afternoon, he suddenly came back and called the page boy to fetch him a book. At
first, the page boy fetched the Liang Dynasty Wenxuan. He looked at the book and
said," Too low." Then, he brought the scholar the classic History of the
Han Dynasty, but the answer was still "Too low." Finally, he brought a
third famous classic, the Records of the Historian, but the answer was still
"Too low."
A monk, very astonished by this,
confronted the scholar," Generally, if a person masters one of these great books
in a lifetime he is considered well-learned. Why do you say these classics are
low books?"
"I'm trying to find a book that's
just the right height to use as a pillow," the scholar replied," these are
all too low."

A man was traveling through the jungle for days growing tired he passes by a
house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After knocking
on the door an old Chinese guy with a beard that reached the floor answers. The
man asked him if he could stay the night and the Chinese guy agreed as long as
he didn't screw his granddaughter. Before the guy could agree the old man warned
him that if he did he would perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him.
The guy says o.k. and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner the man meets the granddaughter and she is the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. So after he figured the old man was asleep he
went into her room and made love to her.
The next morning the man awoke with a 100lbs rock on his chest with a sign
"first Chinese torture wake up with 100 pound rock on chest". Being a
strong man he thought nothing of it and picked up the rock and threw it out the
window but on the back of the rock there was another sign reading "2nd Chinese
torture, right ball tied to rock". Thinking quickly the man jumped out the
window but on the other side of the window there was another sign reading 3rd Chinese
torture test left nut tied to bed post"...

Cunning Chinese scientists invented fireworks centuries
before Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. Their favorite little
sparkler was a plunder-triggered land mine known as "Underground
Sky-Soaring Thunder." Anyone that plucked up the plunder got triggered sky
high on a wave of thunder.
Floating marine mines were invented by the Chinese in
the 14th century, using inflated ox bladders. In this century they have
cunningly invented marine "Smart" Mines too, mines smart enough to
border on the brilliant.
Actually, they extend a little beyond the border.
Chinese Smart Mines can tell the difference between Carriers and Love Boats.
They can even spot the X in the plosion where the damage would be the most exasperating.
That's pretty sophisticated for a government that pays people to cut grass with
stainless steel scissors.
Smart Mines are dangerous even if they don't get loose
into the open sea. Recent history tells us that just 1,000 Iraqi sea mines
decided military strategists against an amphibious invasion in Desert Storm, and
Hussein is so far behind the times that he still uses goats to keep the grass
trimmed.
The Pentagon doesn't need my advice on how to trim
grass on the Carriers. But obviously my skills are required by the grass-roots
politicians who are just blowing hot smoke when it comes to defending us from a
Chinese invasion.
"Whoa, come on now, their sam-pans would never
make it across the ocean in one piece!"
You are right to be so sarcastic of course, which is
why their Smart Mines are designed to let Love Boats in -- and out. Love Boats
haul in chicken parts, Rice Krispies, and computer chips. Then the Love Boats
haul out scissors, wrenches, and fireworks for our use.
Sending us their War Surplus scissors is just a
friendly deception. It is those innocuous firecrackers that are carrying the
Real Invaders.
"For crying out loud, how many chinamen do you
believe can be hiding in a little bitty firecracker?"
I admit, the number is probably less than one. 
But let's face facts here.  During the 50th
anniversary of their revolution Beijing officials firmly announced development
of a helicopter the size of a wasp for its reconnaissance missions.  That
is positive proof of their powers of miniaturization.
Compare those powers to the best us can do: personified
in Lockheed's MicroStar.  It has only a six-inch wingspan and can do a
20-minute mission at speeds of up to 30 mph while relaying back a video signal. 
In Europe the Mainz Institute for micro technology has clearly shown that
experimental wasp-sized craft can really fly.  Obviously Beijing is ahead
of us in micro-electro-mechanical technology, the very same method used to
manufacture those tiny little microchips.
"Okay, so they are better than us.   So
what?"
You've heard of the French Connection?
Well, think of this as the Crabgrass Connection:
No.  They are not sending Chinese midgets over
here inside their firecrackers; The plot is far more sinister than that.
I believe they are infiltrating our shores with Chinese
Crabgrass.
Americans told them how to do it, of course. For years
now our scientists have used four-legged Johnny Appleseeds to help restore our
home on the range.
They do it by feeding cattle little gelatin capsules
filled with native grass seeds. A Department of Agriculture plant geneticist
indicates that as many as 55,000 seeds can be hidden in a single capsule!
These grass-loaded capsules pass through the kine in a
few days and plop out in a patty of pure fertilize, miles and miles away. The
sun opens the package, and the winds of nature broadcast the rest.

Chinese Fireworks don't have to wait on the wind to
spread their seeds.
A blast, poof,
and who's to even notice the tatters floating down?

Evidence supporting my belief in the Crabgrass
Connection is pretty damning: With 628,000,000 pounds of herbicide being used in
the United States every year, some of the crabgrass ought to be disappearing.
But you know as well as I do, you have more crabgrass in your yard than ever.
You can smell those seeds coming from somewhere, and it isn't Denmark.
When is the last time you bought a firecracker that was
not made in China? The fact is, last year we bought over 79,000,000 pounds of
fireworks from Communist China, miniaturizing champion of the world.
Is there any way to check all of them for that
sprinkling of Chinese Crabgrass seeds?
Indeed, are ANY of these firecrackers checked
thoroughly?
Any country that would sow the seas with Smart Mines
would sow our sod with crabgrass with even less scruples showing. And they would
not hesitate a second just because we shoot off their fireworks on New Year's
Eve and the 4th of July, either.
That is twice a year (once before crabgrass germination
time and once during the flowering season) that we explode their little caches
in displays of ecstatic loyalty right
over the top of our Nation's Capital.
{With every blast the seeds of destruction are being
scattered all over Washington. Why some of that crabgrass must fall right on the
White House lawn itself.} Meanwhile, all the evidence is blown sky-high by our
own hands in dazzling bursts of star spangled affection.
The state capitols and other large cities are scarcely
less ecstatic with their displays.
From shore to shining shore, 98% of the
fireworks we import from China is exploded in less than eight hour bursts. If
just one cracker in a thousand is popping with half a load of Chinese Crabgrass
it is easy to explain why we now need second-rate scissors from China more than
they do!