Jones: "The Chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts
on New Years Day."
Smith: "So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a
Christmas the week before."

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique
that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take
the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats
emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over
his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer
drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at
least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He
walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from
sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at
his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics
and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not
just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the
water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a
mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he
hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can
heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
lawyer."

An old mouse chanced to see a cat wearing a few beads round her neck.
"Ah," said the mouse with joy, "that cat has turned vegetarian."
Thereupon, he brought his offspring along to pay a call on the cat to express
their gratitude. No sooner had they appeared than the cat gave a deep howl and
devoured several mice in rapid succession. The old mouse turned tail in the nick
of time and made good his escape. 
Sticking out his tongue, he cried: "My, my! That pussy is even more ferocious after turning vegetarian."

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the
doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being
born." 
The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why
don't you know what color the child is going to be?" 
"Well", says
the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was
conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is." 

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most
unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes
the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the
actors Chinese?" 
"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman. 

"Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they
seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"
 "Yes, doctor he
was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the
actors Asian?"
 "Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby
free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy
"Waaaahh" and starts crying. 
"Oh, thank God for that!", says
the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

While riding a taxi, If you should ever get the notion to open the window and
stick your hand out, you will knock over the first bicyclist, where upon hitting
the ground will be run over by the second bicyclist.
If ever going from point A to point B, it is faster to drive on the wrong side
of the street, your taxi drive will.
While riding from point A to point B in a taxi, you will spend roughly 20% of
the time driving, 15% to beeping the horn, 40% to changing lanes, 15% driving on
the sidewalk, & 10% driving in the wrong lane.
U-turns, though dangerous are permitted in China; luckily taxi drivers will use
extra precautions, like waiting until rush hour traffic, and they will only
attempt u-turns in carefully selected places, like busy intersections.
A taxi driver will wiz by within 1 foot of a pedestrian, come within 6 inches of
a bicyclist, yet swerve violently 2 lanes to miss a pot hole.
Taxies have a auto-regulating temperature, whereby if a passenger opens a window
to cool off, the driver's hand will slowly move over to turn on the heater; Yet
if the passenger turns on the heater, the driver's hand will slowly open his
window.
Traffic jams are common, but Chinese drivers believe traffic jams can be cured
by the sonic harmony of every car's horn.
Foreigners need to be careful when speaking their native tongue, for some phrases translate irregularly.
For example,
1. When speaking to a taxi driver..."Verooom please hurry" translates
to ..."Please go through every red light, and get real close to that
pedestrian."
2. "I speak English" translated by a taxi driver
means "Please take the long expensive route" Taxi companies only purchase luxury cars, whereby after the passenger is in,
there remains a spacious 1 cubic foot to put his luggage. 
In any taxi the handle for the Turn signal will be pristine and untouched, yet
the horn will be worn down to the nub. Taxi drivers have many options when changing lanes, after they change lanes
they can either...
A. Look in their rear view to see if
they cut anyone off, or
B. Listen for the other driver's horn.
By Robert Brownell

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy.
"You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in
charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of
supplies."
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a
dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when
he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why
didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was
in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then
the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman
replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in
charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind
the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!"

Once there was a debate between two countries, USA
and China, one thousand years ago. 
Ten distinguished people from each country met
in the Himalayas for the debate. The debate was on who was most important - the
sun or the moon. Each side presented their arguments and counter-arguments for
days but they could not settle.  Finally on the 11th day the Americans defeated
the Chinese in the debate and concluded that it was the moon which was more
important than the sun, "because the moon gives us light in the night when
it is dark, but sun gives us light in the day-when it is not necessary!!"

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitred' that there
will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. He goes
into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" 
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." 
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says,
"Once upon time was *four* little pig..."

Once there was an old grandmother who believed in taboo. On
New Year's Year's Day and other festival days, she would try only to say nice
things, and never let the word "no" rashly fall from her mouth.
One lunar New Year's Day, as soon as the granddaughter passed
her a bowl of sweet rice porridge. She drank it up joyfully.
"Grandma, will you take
another bowl of rice porridge?", asked the granddaughter.
"All right,"
replied the grandmother.
The little girl passed her the second bowl of rice porridge
and quickly she drank it.
"Some more rice porridge?",
asked the granddaughter.
The grandmother thought that during New Year's Day she
couldn't say "no",
and so she replied promptly, "O.K., I'll drink a third bowl."
In this way the grandmother drank six bowls, and her stomach was like a
big drum.
The little girl who wasn't very sensible still asked
persistently. "Grandma, would you like to drink
some more sweet rice porridge?"
The grandmother couldn't help shaking her hand, and said
hurriedly, "No, no, no more, no more!"
If I drink any more, I'll bloat me to death."

Chinese Phrase           
English Translation


Ai Bang Mai Ne
I bumped into the coffee table


Ar U Wun Tu
A gay liberation greeting


Chin Tu Fat
You need a face lift


Dum Gai
A stupid person


Gun Pao Der
An ancient Chinese invention


Hu Flung Dung
Which one of you fertilized the field?


Hu Yu Hai Ding
We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive


Jan Ne Ka Sun
A former late night talk show host


Kum Hia
Approach me


Lao Ze Sho
Gilligan's Island


Lao Zi
Not very good


Lin Ching
An illegal execution


Moon Lan Ding
A great achievement of the American space program


Ne Ahn
A lighting fixture used in advertising signs


Shai Gai
A bashful person


Tai Ne Bae Be
A premature infant


Tai Ne Po Ne
A small horse


Ten Ding Ba
Serving drinks to people


Wan Bum Lung
A person with T.B.


Yu Mai Te Tan
Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you.


Wa Shing Kah
Cleaning an automobile


Wai So Dim
Are you trying to save electricity?


Wai U Shao Ting
There is no reason to raise your voice