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| 51) 10 Types of Computer User |
The 10 Types of Computer Users
El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but
now it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and
said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned
back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well,
ma'am, you've come to the right place."
Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and
now it looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without
meaning to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter
ratio in WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document
was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found
that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in
his document.
Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I
fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of
fixing them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but
didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty
minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY
LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could
get it to compile."
Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick,
and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo,
it did compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their
disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but
empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it).
Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*,
they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different
disks for the missing information.
X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite
impressive, really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in
graphics technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at
DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I
suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat
down and did their best to act like they were doing exactly
what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.
Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a
guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.'
"But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it
yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word
'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around.
Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.
Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can
upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there,
download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and
put it in three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make
machines do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another
person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't
know his target's home system, account name, or real name.
Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on,
like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like
this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and
after that I went to this line here, like this, and after
that I picked my nose, like this. . ."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay,
but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the
phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's
shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document
into itself and denied that they did it (the user was
complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same
thing).
Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
"I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved,
would you please garrote him and put him in the paper
recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because
he (the user) didn't like it.
Complete Idiot - "Why can't I copy this 25 megabyte text file onto a
360K floppy disk?"
Advantages: Believe anything that you tell them, because they don't
have a clue. Often observed wearing aluminum foil
under hat or garlic around neck to ward off evil
computer viruses.
Disadvantages: Cannot follow directions. Doesn't grasp simple concepts,
like the meaning of the word "no."
Symptoms: Holding hands under monitor during power failure,
hoping to catch letters as they fall off of screen.
Also observed playing Van Halen tape in Commodore-64
cassette drive, trying to get a transcript of the lyrics.
Most likely to have a bottle of white out next to monitor.
Real Case: User once wrote program for simulations class that
created 25 megabyte output file of every possible way to
safely put 8 queens on a chess board, using "*"'s to draw
board. Insisted that instructor wanted this printed and
handed in. (Instructor only wanted to know the number.)
User wouldn't take the hint when her access to all line
printers was revoked after trying to print this file 4
times. Decided to slip it by and print to Diablo 630
daisywheel printer. Result: 14 pages of output and a
broken "*" on the printwheel before the file and program
were deleted with the permission of the instructor.
Fourth year computer science student that couldn't figure
out that in the best case, this file would take 4965 pages
(2+ boxes of paper) and 7.6 days to print.
Career Path: Gets programming job at Microsoft writing next version
of Windows. Gets PhD in Artificial Intelligence, since
they lack any natural intelligence. Dies of
electrocution using hair dryer in pool, despite safety
labels and tags.
(The irony of this is that this individual was later hired as the Academic
Computer Center manager, and she spends her day screaming at students who
print 2 copies of their resume on a laser printer.)
|
| 52) 25 Years Ago |
25 years Ago...
An application was for employment
A program was a television show
Windows were something
you hated to clean,
A keyboard was a piano
A cursor used profanity
Memory was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy
you hoped no one found out
Compress was something you did to garbage
If you unzipped in public you went to jail
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your toilet
Cut you did with scissors
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!!!
WOW HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!
|
| 53) 12 Steps to Recovery from Internet Addiction |
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
|
| 54) |
1776
(If they had computers back then... )
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is
essential that we complete this Declaration of Independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you.
Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted
yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes
replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks... saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies
Online just last week.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear
our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg
circulating. I saw it posted on lt. georgeIII.sucks last night.
Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75.
It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of
Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets
to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled
candle wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd
buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!!
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My
spell checker recommends "unassailable".
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document,
please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't
compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean
when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....
Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have
you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe
centering it in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus!
I can't save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here,
borrow my quill pen....
|
| 55) AOL Diary |
Diary of an AOL User
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked
but I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
|
| 56) A Poem for Computer Users for Over 40 |
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
No one's been killed in a computer crash
But it makes their face turn red!
|
| 57) A Y2K Solution |
To avoid any potential Y2K problems, many companies and individuals are
replacing their computers with Etch-A-Sketches. Other advantages of an
Etch-A-Sketch over computers include:
No glitches keeping work from being done.
No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Ease of operation.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical
Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
|
| 58) Abbott Win95 |
Abbott and Costello Meet Windows 95
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it
off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then -
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start
it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the
Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one
in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started
this conversion.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
|
| 59) Abort! |
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
|
| 60) Abraham's Computer |
Abraham's Computer
One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
son, comes home.
Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
lots more memory than you have here."
Abraham
replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."
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