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| 61) Actual Japanese Error Messages |
Haiku:
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful
Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku
poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17
syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in
the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message,
often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight
through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages
from Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has
performed an illegal operation?"
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
|
| 62) Addicted to Vi |
From: chuck@trantor.harris-atd.com (Chuck Musciano)
Subject:Addicted To Vi
After reading about a poor wretch who had become addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.
As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.
Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)
You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.
You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?
Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste! Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.
Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano. All Rights Reserved.
:wq
|
| 63) Alien CHain Letter |
Alien Transmission
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from
outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:
"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five
star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the
list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message
to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25
of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in
return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"
|
| 64) Alawys Accessible |
Always Accessible
by Joe Lavin
I was given this new cell phone at work, but I'm starting to think it's
defective. You see, it tends to ring a lot. Like, for example, I'll be minding
my own business walking to lunch, and suddenly it'll just start ringing.
Even worse, when I answer it, it'll often be someone asking me a question
about work. I'm thinking of calling the manufacturer to see if they can fix
it. It's really starting to bug me.
Yes, like many others, I have been dragged kicking and screaming into
the world of cellular phones. I long vowed I would never own a cell
phone, and to be honest I still don't. My employer owns it. I'm just the
one forced to carry it around.
I suppose it's really not so bad. It is convenient, and the phone can even
fit into the palm of my hand. It's a nifty little gadget, and part of me (the
part that forgets how evil cell phones are) likes having it. Yes, I can be
reached at any time, but I can also turn it off and let the calls go to voice
mail.
Of course, it's still tough to have a good excuse for ignoring the phone.
"I called earlier, Joe, but you didn't answer."
"Oh, sorry about that. I just went out for a second."
"So what? You have a cell phone."
"Um, I mean, I was in. That's it. I was in and couldn't get your call. Oh,
damn the batteries are running low, and I think I'm walking into a tunnel.
Let me get back to you."
While I may look oh-so-important when walking around with my cell
phone, the only reason that I have it is because I don't have a real phone.
My new job at Harvard is to go around to different departments and help
them pay bills with Harvard's new financial system. I'm rarely at my
desk -- hence, the evil cell phone.
I still feel squeamish about having it, and I have yet to make a call while
in public. After all, I just don?t like having to subject others to my phone
calls. On some days, I don?t even like subjecting myself to them.
And whenever it does ring, I feel slightly embarrassed. Well, actually,
first I look around confused for a second before exclaiming to whoever
I'm with, "Oh, that's me!" I'm not at all prepared to conduct a business
call while walking around. God forbid when someone actually gives me a
number. The other day, if by chance you saw an idiot on a cell phone in
the middle of Harvard Yard trying to use a tree as a writing surface for a
piece of scrap paper, that was me. Luckily, I did get the proper
information, but even then I managed somehow to schedule a meeting
for my day off.
To be honest, I really shouldn't feel so self-conscious. I'm certainly not
alone. I'm simply one of over 70 million Americans with a cell phone. All
over, cell phones are suddenly pervasive. More and more restaurant
owners have been forced to ban cell phones so that people will stop
yakking into them during meals. Many theater owners have complained
about cell phones ringing in the middle of plays and movies.
Increasingly, states are even considering laws restricting the use of car
phones.
And then there are the people at sporting events. Lately, I've been
watching the baseball playoffs, and during most every game you will
now see some loser sitting behind home plate with a cell phone waving
at someone on the phone. I suppose it's an innocent act, but it still makes
one yearn for a sudden foul ball.
"Hi, Mom. It's me. I'm on TV. See me waving. Right where the foul ball is
about to -- AAAAARGGHH!"
Not that I should really wish such a thing on anyone, but there's
something about cell phone users that most people hate. Well, let me
correct that. Most people would hate them except that most people are
now starting to own cell phones of their own, and so it becomes more
difficult to hate the cell phone users.
Especially for me. After all, if you want to reach my apartment, you can
now do so with one of four different numbers. My roommate Anna and I
have separate phone numbers, and each of us has a cell phone too.
I have a feeling that we might just be a little too connected to the world.
You think?
|
| 65) An Ode to Unix |
1
2
3
4
1
2
3
4
Booooooooooo-t!
{pause}
{faster}
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process... Kill!
{slower}
You can have your VMS,
You can have your MS-DOS,
You can even have you Windows NT,
But don't you fuck with me,
I've Got BSD,
And I'll go preemptive, when I fork...
{slightly faster}
So I'll protect my memory,
Put my files in a tree,
And when I'm a server, I'll never crash!
'Cuz I'm written in C.
For good Port-a-bility!
And I'm old, but I keep getting bet-ter!
Made by ATT,
GNU keeps me Free!
I'm the best damn OS on the net! v
So, you can have your VMS,
you can have your MS-DOS,
you can have your Washington Mon-op-oly!
But don't you fuck with me,
Yeah, don't you fuck with me,
Cuz I've Got BSD,
I've Got BSD,
And I'll go preemptive, when I fork...
|
| 66) Ancient Tech Support |
Ancient Tech Support
The tech support problem dates back to long before the
industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out
a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone
not burn Lorto hand.
Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*
|
| 67) AOL City |
If AOL Was a City
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
spandex.
You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL
14.4 modems for only $399.99
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
of those brutal toe stubs.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".
The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his slack-ass company somewhere else.
Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while
little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"
Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh behind your back.
Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.
The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r
Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't
investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove
the sign altogether.
Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.
Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the
shit out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, jerk.
ROFLMAO LOL!!"
You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying
acronyms.
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sunup.
The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
funds.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
ripping down the swings and beating the fuck out of kids currently
playing there.
Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies
can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts &
pedophiles are allowed in.
The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
DO WANT A STINKIN' AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The
voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".
A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g
Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the
speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several
minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.
Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
city.
Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a
telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
|
| 68) AOL Dictionery |
An AOL Dictionary (abridged)
by Jim Mica JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU
AOL America On Line (TM) A grand scheme for democratizing
the INTERNET. Let all the rabble participate, if
they've got the money. Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh,
fer crying out loud, uses the service.
AoL America Off Line (SM) Opps, too many to handle. The
service is about to crash...
AOL (as in AOL.COM) Cryptic address which marks the
addressee as {probably} a bumptious newby who, like some
icky younger sibling, will breathlessly proffer the
electronic equivalent of a 5th generation photo-copy
(identified by all them >>>>>>s in the text) of some
tired old joke as hot new humor.
AOL (ca. 12/96) America On Line (TM) now with unlimited
access for a set fee. Kinda reminds one of those old
Nuclear Energy commercials where they said that
electricity would become so cheap there would be no need
to meter it! Too much of a good thing?
AOL Americans Outta Luck Thousands, nay millions, of them
sitting there trying to get online and not being able
to. Still, ya gotta wonder, just how many bought the
service and installed the software without realizing
that your computer needs to have a modem on it for you
to get to the INTERNET?
AOL Americans Organizing Law Suits. That's the ticket!
Finally the masses are revolting.
|
| 69) AOL Pie |
Bye Bye to America Online
[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day
the service
died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."
"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.
|
| 70) AOL Xmas |
12 Days of Christmas - AOL style
On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room. |
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