Why We Should Feel Sorry for Tech Support People:


A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."


Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back
to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.


Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"


I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons --
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to --"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Flame Response Form


If you are part of any public listervs - which are public discussion
group - you are all too aware of the craziness of being part of
such as group: Threads (Continuing Discussions) which last a lifetime,
insanely boorish comments and the all too common trite replies
"I agree"

Well there is now a standard reply form for FLAMING
(listed under the government e-mail paperwork reduction act)
For those unfamiliar with the term, flaming is the immediate
and often irrational response to emails that annoy you.
They can be sent to individual on public listervs -
where people mouth off their opinions.

PS. If you are new to the web, read carefully to avoid
being flamed yourself.

This is a bit long, but you have all weekend

Enjoy,
Eric, JokeMaster

Dear:

[ ] sir [ ] clueless one [ ] twit [ ] great man on campus
[ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] twerp [ ] comrade
[ ] Elvis [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ] Babe
[ ] Geek [ ] Boob [ ] Communist
[ ] Republican [ ] Democrat [ ] Liberal [ ] Conservative
[ ] Other ( )

You are being gently flamed because.

--------------------
GENERAL
--------------------
[ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps)
[ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article
[ ] you posted the inanely stupid '$250 Cookie Recipe' article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid magic weight-loss article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid cheap s**t at high prices article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid 'Fix Your Credit' article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid "Good Time Virus" warning.
[ ] you repeatedly have shown lack of humor
[ ] you have a SIG with more than 4 lines of ASCII graphics
[ ] you assumed that AOL/CIS/Prodigy founded the Internet
[ ] you assumed that the Internet is a U.S. only phenomenon
[ ] Repeatedly requested info on where to find XXX stuff.
[ ] Repeatedly harassed people with androgynous names like Chris, Jamie, or
Rajhatmalhaban, with "Are you a girl?" or "M/F?" questions.

--------------------
FOR LISTERVS (Open discussion Groups)
--------------------
[ ] you sent a please remove me from the list message to the
list rather than the list-sever
[ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread
[ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to
[ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads
[ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities
[ ] you advocated Net censorship
[ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority
[ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve
[ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread
[ ] you are posting an anonymous attack
[ ] you responded to an obvious troll
[ ] you posted an obvious troll

[ ] you neglected to do research on the chosen subject
[ ] you asked a question that was covered in the available FAQ
[ ] you redundantly covered the same point over and over
[ ] you crossposted excessively
[ ] you used long lines, i.e. you didn't break up your lines after
60-70 characters, thereby making it hard to quote your post.
[ ] You posted a request to send business/get well cards to a little boy with
cancer who is trying to break the guiness book record.
[ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post.
[ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post and your addition
was "I agree" or "Me too."
[ ] Barged into a quiet little newsgroup/IRC channel/MUD/whatever and
started stinking up the place just because you read an article about
the newsgroup/IRC channel/MUD/whatever in some magazine or hads seen it
on TV etc....


[ ] you discussed the following in a non-nutcase newsgroup;
[ ] hollow earth theory [ ] alien President theory
[ ] orbital mind control frisbees [ ] faith healing
[ ] government weather control [ ] Russian psychics
[ ] Squeaky Fromme [ ] the nation of France
[ ] robot spy bees [ ] sexually promiscuous space aliens
[ ] "Manos, the Hands of Fate" [ ] Beavis & Butthead anything
[ ] flat earth theory [ ] government consipiracy theory
[ ] the veracity of any X-Files plot (see all of the above)
[ ] Other:

[ ] you considered the following to be reliable reference sources;
[ ] Golden Books' "Exploring Science", printed 1955
[ ] Any program covered by Talk Soup or [ ] SNL News
[ ] Oliver Stone [ ] Hard Copy [ ] Inside Edition
[ ] The National Enquirer [ ] The Sun [ ] NY Post
[ ] The Union Leader [ ] Pravda [ ] OMNI Magazine
[ ] Company Marketing Hype [ ] Microsoft [ ] The Simpsons
[ ] An unidentified, but obviously stupid, person or publication
[ ] Other:

In the future, you may wish to;

[ ] do not delete the "welcome to the list" message you recieved
when you joined
[ ] allow boring and useless threads to die
[ ] remember that not all newsreaders are threaded
[ ] recall that there are academic and commercial users on the net
[ ] remember that the Internet is multinational
[ ] consider that others may know more about certain subjects than you
[ ] exercise some humility
[ ] be careful of where you are crossposting to
[ ] 'lurk' without posting for a few days to learn the forum of a group
[ ] get used to being mocked
[ ] stop volunteering for Armed Forces pharmaceutical experiments

I would like like to suggest that, for the common good, you;

[ ] wait at least two hours before responding to another post
[ ] read the FAQ (frequently asked questions) list for the group
[ ] learn to use the 'kill' command to eliminate erroneous posts
[ ] post only to alt.dev.null
[ ] selectively respond to threads after reading all new messages in
that thread
[ ] voluntarily apologize in a brief post
[ ] no longer contribute to this newsgroup/mailing list
[ ] no longer contribute to any newsgroup/mailing list
[ ] no longer contribute to the gene pool
[ ] look into the possibility of medication for the above problems
[ ] familiarize yourself with the history of the Internet
[ ] familiarize yourself with the concept of:
[ ] patience [ ] tolerance [ ] caution
[ ] common courtesy [ ] succinctness
[ ] vocabulary [ ] higher brain functions
[ ] Other:
[ ] Re-install what ever failed mental operating system
you are currently running on

Please save this message and review it occasionally to determine
your progress toward being;

[ ] a useful member of Internet society
[ ] a less annoying member of Internet society
[ ] a human being
[ ] a fully-functional human being
[ ] a tolerable poster
[ ] integrated into humanity
[ ] re-integrated into the wild
[ ] Other:

Thank you for taking the time to read this form flame.

What if People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers


General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers

--but imagine if they did...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know
all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000.00 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes
with everything built in!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it
crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do
you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't
crash anymore!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,
power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my
car!"

Gates Give Coke Some Pointers


Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market,
explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the
ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly,
since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them.
Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We
might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
That'll be $3.99.

J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.

C: Sorry, they're bundled.

J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

C: You don't; the Coke is free.

J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
got integrated Coke!

J: I already bought a 7-Up across the street - I'm not going
to drink the Coke.

C: Then you can't have the burger.

J: Okay, fine, i'll pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally
inseparable.

J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!

C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

J: Why did you just do that?!?!

C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured
of a continuous taste across all your foods.

J: Aaarrgh!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began expected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3,

Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.



REPLY:



Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife

1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds5.0!

WARNING!!!

O NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Good luck,

Tech Support

GirlGriend Version 1.0



I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in
background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to
say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them
separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have
enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require
a Token Ring to run properly. He was right--as soon as I purged my
cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me
a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down
for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with
GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I
didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any
other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some
way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections
with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires
within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but
soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes
as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't
load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go
with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0
which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware,
it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful
about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.

Hitching on the Information Highway
by Kal Rosenberg




After Mom passed away we carried home her big TV -- her first and only
color set. We had bought it for her birthday twelve years before. It
was bigger than the one in our bedroom so we put hers there instead. It
had no remote control, so I asked Sandi to please pick up a zapper first
chance she got. She did.

The DeLuxe Universal Remote lay inside an impressive bubble pack. It
claimed the ability to remotatize any TV set in this and nearby
galaxies. It came with a nice little instruction book. The nice little
instruction book had forty-eight pages. On page three it proclaimed
that anyone over the age of six could easily program the zapper.

Still, I knew we belonged to the electronically challenged generation.
Despite a solid liberal arts education, we had been unable to play
recorded music since our eight track went. But now the Universal Remote
Company was making us a promise. It was my big chance, especially since
I felt I knew more than most six-year olds. This new link in my golden
chain might at last connect us with the twentieth century before it
ended. I fantasized operating CD players -- whatever they are -- and
pre-setting our VCR (which would no longer mock us with insatiable 12:00
... 12:00 ... 12:00 ...). I might even glide across a suddenly
comprehensible Internet! We could leave our horse-and-buggy days
behind, appliancewise. A powerful mantra from the DeLuxe Universal
Remote zapper would empower us, placing us at last in harmony with the
strange and distant electronic universe in which we now floundered.

I read each of the forty-eight pages in the nice manual. (Six-year olds
must be much smarter than in my day!) I scrupulously switched, set,
held, waited and pushed. All was in place. I hit the final button.
Nothing. I was dumber than a six-year old. Dumber than his shoes. I
was Neolithic. Obsolete. A fossil. Frozen in an ice block of time --
like a lump of pineapple in a Jell-O mold -- somewhere between pin boys
and the Shirelles. It seemed that God was not about to let us cross
over into the land of cyber-milk and virtual honey, even after aimless
wanderings in the vast Computer Desert, lo these many years.

As I put the remote back in its bubble pack I thought about making an
excuse for when I returned it. I would say it was not my size. As I
turned the package over to re-staple it, there in bold red print was
what seemed to be my last chance to ride on the Information Highway: IF
YOU FOLLOWED ALL INSTRUCTIONS AND THIS UNIT FAILS TO OPERATE YOUR
ELECTRONIC APPLIANCE, CALL THE 800 NUMBER BELOW. DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK
IF OUR UNIVERSAL REMOTE FAILS TO PERFORM!!!

Another promise. With three exclamation points.

I must have done something wrong, and some kindly phone voice,
accustomed to assisting primitives, would gently lift me higher, higher,
until we dazzled with zapper-competence. I phoned the 800 number.

"Universal Remote customer service. This is Jeffrey. How can I help
you?"

"Jeffrey, I have your remote. I can't get it to work."

"Which model please?"

"It's the DeLuxe."

He seemed annoyed. "They're all DeLuxe, sir! Is it the DeLuxe
Universal Remote One or the DeLuxe Universal remote Two?"

"I don't know. How do you tell?"

There was an exasperated pause. "The 'One' has a big 'One' on the
front, sir." Another pause. "The 'Two' ... "

" ... has a 'Two.' Okay Jeffrey, it's a Two. I'm with you so far."

"Okay then. What brand is your set?"

"Zenith."

"Super. How old?"

"Twelve years."

"That works for me. Now, how about all the steps on page sixteen? You
do 'em?"

"Yes."

"How about the trouble-shooting section, pages forty-four through
forty-seven?"

"That too."

"Not to worry. I'll walk you through it. First, get the original
remote and turn it over."

"Original remote?"

"Yeah. The one that came with the set."

"Jeffrey, if I had an original remote why would I buy yours?"

"Whaddaya mean?"

"What I mean is, Jeffrey, for one TV I only need one remote. Why would
I have two? If I had the original, I wouldn't have had to buy one."

"So, you don't have the original then."

"What original?"

"Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me your set never had a remote?"

"I do."

"Well," he laughed, "that's bad, because this one won't work."

"Oh, but that's good, Jeffrey. You can just send me double my money
back."

"We can't do that."

"It says so right here on the package."

"Yeah, but if your set never came with a remote then no remote will work
'cause you don't have a sensor."

"There's no mention of 'sensor' in the nice instructions. If we needed
one of those things, somewhere in here is should have told us that and
we would have bought one."

Another one of those pauses. "Sir," he said softly, as if speaking to a
child, "let's say you have this car, and you want to take a ride. Now,
you have the key, but there's no engine. So, you open the door, you get
in, you turn the key. Now, what do you think happens?"

"I think I get double my money back for that car!"

"Sir! Everyone knows you need a sensor in your TV for a remote to
work. What you are saying is ridiculous. Either this is some kind of a
joke -- which I really don't appreciate -- or you've been asleep for
twenty years." Then his tone suddenly changed. "I don't mean to be
abrupt or rude, sir. And please excuse me for asking, but are you all
right? Is there someone there with you I can talk to? Someone who
takes care of you? Do you know your phone number? I'll have a
supervisor call you right back. Maybe we'll send you double your money
back. Would you like that! Hello? Sir? Hello?"

I hung up. It was like I was struck down by a modem (which until
recently I thought was a feminine hygiene product). This young boy --
what could he possibly know of life -- who had just spoken to me as if I
were a six-year old (and not a bright one), became seriously concerned
because I was out of touch with his reality. And so I was.

I still would like to surf the Web, watching megs and gigawhatsis scoot
around us. Patiently we will wait for our high-tech Fairy Godmother,
our booted up Robin Hood. But slowly I'm learning. A little here. A
little there. You know what those computerniks say: "Hit any user to
continue."

Do You Know ...How These Names Came About?!?!?

Adobe - came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the
house of founder John Warnock.

Apache - It got its name because its founders got started by applying
patches to code written for NCSA's httpd daemon. The result was 'A PAtCHy'
server -- thus, the name Apache

Apple Computers - favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three
months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call
his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a
better name by 5 o'clock.

CISCO - its not an acronymn but the short for San Francisco.

Google - the name started as a jokey boast about the amount of
information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally
named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100
zeros. After founders - Stanford grad students Sergey Brin and Larry
Page resented their project to an angel investor, they received a
cheque made out to 'Google'

Hotmail - Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the
web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up
with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of
names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included
the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages.
It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective upper casing.

HP - Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the
company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or
Packard-Hewlett.

Intel - Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company
'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain, so they
had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.

Lotus (Notes) - Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The
Lotus Position' or 'Padmasana'. Kapor used to be a teacher of
Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

Microsoft - coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was
devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft,
the '-' was removed later on.

Motorola - Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company
started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the
time was called Victrola.

ORACLE - Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting
project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the
project was called Oracle(the CIA saw this as the system to give answers
to all questions or something such).
Acronym for: One Real Asshole Called Larry Ellison ??

Red Hat - Company founder Marc Ewing was given the Cornell lacrosse
team cap (with red and white stripes) while at college by his
grandfather. He lost it and had to search for it desperately. The
manual of the beta version of Red Hat Linux had an appeal to readers
to return his Red Hat if found by anyone !

SAP - "Systems, Applications, Products in Data Processing", formed by 4
ex-IBM employees who used to work in the
'Systems/Applications/Projects' group of IBM.

Sony - from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang
used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.

SUN - founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym
for Stanford University Network.

Xerox - The inventor, Chestor Carlson, named his product trying to say
dry' (as it was dry copying, markedly different from the then
prevailing
wet copying). The Greek root `xer' means dry.

Yahoo! - the word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book
'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in
appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! founders Jerry Yang
and David Filo selected the name because they considered
themselves yahoos.

The New Birds & the Bees:

The mystery is gone ... How was I born?

The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months
later a blessed little Popup appeared and said, "You've got male!"

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was
a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been
called
Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town
to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a
camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will
place
drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying
what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best
price. And
the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony
Stable
(UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But
this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself
inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man
did
take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel
dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or
NERDS
for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches
and
the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches
were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every
drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that
would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it
came to
be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are,"
and Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said
Abraham.
And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.