No, Windows 95 is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:



They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows 95 does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so -- okay, Windows 95 does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
Windows 95 does that too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows 95 does that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows 95, too.



Until now it seems Windows 95 is a virus but there are fundamental
differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most
systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they
tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows 95 is not a virus.

Well see about NT-4


Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:36 PDT 1999

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a
contest, with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours
straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,
taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and
God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset,
and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."

.... A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the floor.
After that the HR manager said "You are engaged, give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start".
The man replied, " I don't have a computer, neither an email" I'm sorry",

said the HR manager, "if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job". The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$.
The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled day by day.
Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to get life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied: "I don't have an email". The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire.
Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"!!
The man thought for a while, and replied: "an office boy at Microsoft!

Junk Mail 101
by Andrew Hicks

This is a guide to junk mail, all of which I've received
this past week. For reference purposes, I'm using each e-mail's subject
line as its title...


1. Please Help Me


Ah, the desperation of junk mail. This one reaches new lows,
declaring, "I don't know what is most important--kids, or the planet our
kids will live on after we are gone!" So he decides to exploit them both,
beginning with kids. "FOUR MILLION people will be poisoned this year from
cleaning products. Over TEN THOUSAND little kids will DIE this year.
That is HEARTBREAKING!" Then he talks about how his brother died when he
was ten and asks, "Are you willing to help save a kid's life?" If you
are, get ready to buy some all-natural cleaning products, which don't
poison our water or kill our kids. And just look at that shine! "Some
people may accuse me of being a profiteer," this poor guy says. He
doesn't know the half of it, but the sad part is, he'll probably make a
lot of money on this. Then he'll push his sister overboard so he can sell
the world the Amazing Non-Slick Ship Deck Mop. The lower these junk mails
sink, the better they get. Grade: A.



2. Re:


Yes, "Re:" was the subject line. This is one of the only junk
mails circulating that doesn't give any details about the product in the
subject header, but when you read the mail you see why. They're trying to
sell you two computer programs called "Virtual Girlfriend" and "Virtual
Boyfriend," both of which simulate relationship activities for those who
are unable, or perhaps unwilling, to experience them in real life. "You
can watch them, talk to them, ask them questions, tell them secrets, and
relate with them. Watch them as you ask them to take off different
clothes and guide them through many different activities." If you act
now, you can also get "Club Celebrity X," a program that puts the
Hollywood elite in a new light. "You have seen these girls on T.V.,
Magazines and billboard ads. Now they are on your computer begging for
action." If you're lucky, you might even get one of them to be your
virtual girlfriend. The order form itself is the best thing about this
junk mail; that's where you find out you can get Virtual Girlfriend or
Virtual Boyfriend for $10, or get them both for just $15.95. That's for
people who somehow think buying only one of these is not pathetic enough.
Hint to my friends: Christmas is just around the corner. A-.



3. THIS IS ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO NEEDS MONEY RIGHT NOW!


Well, hell, I needs money. So I listened to Dick Hollman when he
told me his life went from repossessed cars and bill collectors to luxury
cruises, new cars and "a second home in Virginia," all when "I received a
letter telling me how to earn $800,000 anytime I wanted to!" How about
next Tuesday? he asked himself. The scheme is simple. You send the people
on the list one dollar each and ask them to add your name to their lists.
Then you send this mail to as many people as you can. Cyrus Huntington
returned the letter and, three days later, he won the lottery. John
Hopkins refused to return the letter and, three minutes later, he died.
The choice is clear, and the sacrifice is little in the long run. As Dick
writes, "BE HONEST, HAVEN'T YOU 'BLOWN' MONEY IN RESTURANTS OR ON ITEMS
THAT GIVE ONLY TEMPORARY PLEASURE?" Oh, like, say luxury cruises, new
cars and a second home in Virginia? Dick's all-caps urgency, his
insistence that this age-old scam REALLY WORKS, his subject-verb
disagreement in the subject line and his bringing hope to many pathetic
individuals actually stupid enough to fall for this e-mail ensure him of
his place in junk mail history. An instant classic. A+.



4. I Make $250 to $1000 A Week!!


When I first saw this subject line, I thought, "So what, a
janitor makes at least $250 in a week," but then I realized, this guy is
working for "One Of The Hottest Most Exciting Marketing Groups On The
Internet," The One That Capitalizes Every Word They Use. Then this
anonymous writer declares, "I MADE $160 MY FIRST DAY!!!" Having sex with
who again? This guy works for the Marketing Warriors, which sounds like
some community business college football team. It was founded by Allen
Says, brother of Simon, and plugs some "secret site" where you can
download millions of e-mail addresses for your personal use, presumably
so you can send people senseless, unsolicited e-mail like this and learn
how, among other things, "to print your own money....legally!!" This junk
mail is all over the place, promising lots of money (probably fake money
they printed "legally") but offering no details other than the secret
site, and it has its share of widely varying capitalization. Make it work
for you. C+.



5. Immediate Release: El Nino update...


Perhaps the absolute worst junk mail I've come across lately,
this one offers to educate investment opportunists "how to take advantage
of the potential effects of El Nino on the agricultural commodities
markets!!" This year's El Nino "could be the worst one in 150 years," so
why not make some money from it by investing in soybeans, corn and wheat,
the foods that will no doubt reach famine levels of shortage when revaged
by El Nino? The catch is, you have to commit to a minimum investment of
$6,000. Now, do you think anyone stupid enough to read past the first
line of this e-mail really has $6,000 at their disposal? From the same
people who brought you "Cash in on your grandmother's rape!" F.



6. The Cash Cow is MOOING!!


That's right. You already know the cash rooster is crowing and
the cash elephant is stampeding, but now the cash cow is mooing. "Call
the number below and find out how to make thousands of dollars each week
simply by getting people to call an 800 number! WE DO EVERYTHING ELSE !!!
!!! WE CLOSE ALL SALES FOR YOU !!! $$$$ 100.00 FAST START CASH * PAYDAY
EACH FRIDAY $$$$ WE ADVERTISE * WE RECRUIT * WE CLOSE YOUR SALES ****ALL
WHILE YOUR AT WORK OR AT PLAY **** $$$$ START MAKING $ 100.00 BILLS
RIGHT NOW !!!" People, THIS is an excellent junk mail. All caps, a
groaner of a subject line, confusing repeated punctuation, use of "your"
for "you're" and, of course, absolutely no details about what kind of
business you're entering into. Even the jaded head of a student painter
scam would be proud. A+.



7. MOUSE PADS WITH YOUR FAVORITE PHOTO! GREAT GIFT!


This one loses a letter grade for being an actual, tangible
product and not some kind of pyramid or sales scheme. It also loses a
letter grade for melding one pathetic product with another. I think we
all see enough pictures of our friends and family, we don't need to be
running our mouses across their faces every time we're on the computer.
Nevetheless, the manufactures think, that for only $14.75 plus shipping,
"Its time to REPLACE your OLD, DIRTY, FRAYED, BORING mouse pads with
LOVED ONES, FAMILY, FRIENDS, PETS," and so on, as if to suggest a mouse
pad with a picture of a loved one would somehow not be boring. Now, if
someone actually had a pet mouse and wanted to put the mouse's picture on
the mouse pad, I could see the novelty value, but otherwise, no f'ing
way. This is no fly-by-night operation, though: "Our Mouse Pads are made
from the HIGHIEST QUALITY 'NO FRAY' cloth tops and 1/4" deep non-skid
rubber bottoms." If I'm not mistaken, so are the Virtual Boyfriend and
Girlfriend accessories. These people do earn a small amount of credit in
my book for including the line, "We will ship it back to you OR TO ANY
ADDRESS you prefer!" which opens up endless possibilities for sending
enemies obscene photos. And since these mouse pads are of the "HIGHIEST
QUALITY," the enemies would probably end up using them. D+.

8. Make money From People Watching TV


I got this one three times in a row. It starts with the line,
"Just Released," probably describing the author's parole. This e-mail
describes some kind of vague digital satellite sales job, "setting up
people with DSS satellite equipment at no charge. As a representative
with our company, you will get paid between $25 and $100 for 'giving
away' Digital Direct Satellite Dishes." So they pay you to give away
their equipment? They don't explain how they make money doing this, but
rest assured there is illegal activity involved. The fact that "giving
away" is in quotes suggests something sinister, like perhaps that they've
"borrowed" the satellite dishes from some electronics store. The closing
line reads, "If you are ready for the greatest business opportunity to
come down the pike, don't miss this one, it is only 2 months old!!!"
Younger is better in junk mail; you have to go with a company that has
not proven itself at all, whose business strategies don't make any sense
and who put words in quotes. Overall, very effective. B+!!!



9. A personal message...


Shannon Johnson, CEO, writes, "I have to tell you that I am
really angry and upset about what is going on here on the Internet. We at
Success Concepts are so angry, in fact, that we decided to do something
about it." More specifically, they decided to make everyone else angry by
sending them junk e-mail. This one, like so many others, offers to sell
you everyone else's e-mail addresses so you can bug the hell out of them
like they do. This is unremarkable junk mail -- where are the screaming,
all-caps promises? Where are the missing details of shady business? Where
are the erotic software offers? D.



10. I know all about you...


This subject line was followed by the promise, "Now YOU CAN KNOW
TOO..." So I'm supposed to pay you so I can know about me? Okay, let me
get my checkbook... I admit, when you see e-mail with a subject line like
that, you read it. You want to make sure you're not being blackmailed,
that no one knows about you and Marv Albert and the three drunken flight
attendants last May. Then this guy tries to sell you information on how
to find dirt on everyone. "Check out your spouse, or even your daughter's
new boyfriend!" And I'm sure he knows what I did last summer, but the
lack of any personal details to freak me out kept me from falling for the
scheme. Now, if he would have said anything about May with Marv, I would
have been sold. C-.

Laptops in Recent Movies


Four of the biggest films of 1996 -- Twister, Eraser, Mission
Impossible and Independence Day -- have one thing in common besides
box-office success: in each film, portable computers played a prominent
role. We decided to put the portable computers in these flims to the
test and asnwer once and for all the question, "Hey, if I happen to find
myself in a big-budget Hollywood movie, which portable computer will
give me the
best performance?

TWISTER
Twister featured a Silicon Graphics laptop, which is intesting
since Silicon Graphics doens't make laptops. Nevertheless, a label
reading "Silicon Graphics" was placed conspicuously on the computer,
because you just never know when you might forget the brand name of your
computer. Overall, this computer performed more than adequately. For
one thing, it was robust. While seemingly everything else in the movie
was sucked into the tornado, the Silicon Graphics laptop was unharmed.
This is incredible when you think about it. Houses, cows and even an
18-wheeler were blown away by tornadoes, but this computer remained
undamaged, even when it was used at one point as an umbrella.
Aside from personal bad-weather protection, another important
feature of the Silicon Graphics laptop was its ability not to
self-destruct due to the complete inanity of the script. My sources tell
me that many lesser computers were unable to make it through the first
third of the film without a system error.
One computer actually exploded in the first 20 mintues after a
particularly silly scene involving the fiancee of Bill Paxton's
character. But not the Silicon Graphics laptop. It kept on performing at
a high level. If the big-budget film you're in happens to have a script
with all the subtlety of a bad Baywatch episode, then the Silicon
Graphics laptop is definitely the computer for you, even if it doesn't
exist.

ERASER
Eraser also featured a portable computer. Unfortunately, I do
not know which portable computer it was. Neither does anyone at Warner
Brothers, including Steve in Product Placement, who informed me, "I'm
sorry, this office cannot comment on that."
It really doesn't matter, though, because the Unknown Laptop is
a real disappointment. About all that can be said in its favor is that
it didn't blow up. Admittedly, that's an accomplishment. After all,
practically everything else in the movie exploded, sometimes more than
once. If you do find yourself in a flick with lots of exploding
buildings and houses, you might want to find out what computer this one
is. Just don't ask Steve in Product Placement, because he can't comment.
Where the Unknown Laptop comes up really short is in
performance. For example, early in the film Vanessa William's character
copies important files onto a CD-ROM(!). When she arrives home and
attempts to open the files with her laptop, she finds that the CD-ROM
will not run, thus making the computer completely useless for the film.
Because of this defect, Williams and Arnold Schwarzenegger must break
into CIA headquarters and open the classified files from within the
high-security building.
Admittedly, this may be more of a software problem than a
hardware problem. Microsoft is now working on a plug-in for Windows 95
that will allow users to open classified documents stolen from the CIA,
but the original release date was set for November 1995. After countless
delays, Microsoft now refuses to set a new date for the release. The
truth is that it might be several years before an operating system is
available that will reliably open classified documents stolen from the
CIA.
Furthermore, Herbert Naylor, an imaginary spokesman for
Microsoft, claims that this defect is really not a problem. "The movie,"
he rightly says, "was starting to drag at that point, and if not for the
computer failing, the screenwriters might never have come up with a
reason for the characters to break into the CIA." This is a salient
point, and one the serious computer user must consider. Among the
computers reviewed here, the Unkonwn Laptop was clearly the best at
moving the plot along.


MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
One of the stars of Mission Impossible was a Macintosh PowerBook
540C. I know this because I called Apple Computer, and they were
positively giddy to tell me about all the Apple computers used in films
this summer. They'd probably still be talking to me right now, if I
hadn't come up with an excuse to end the conversation.
In this film, the Macintosh advantage is clear. Whereas the
Unknown Laptop was unable to open classified files, Tom Cruise's
PowerBook did not have the same problem. It easily handled classified
information. Nevertheless, the PowerBook 540C did display some flaws.
For example, many of the most popular lists of classified information
take several months longer to be released for the Macintosh platform,
but the PowerBook 540C's superior ability in opening classified files
makes it well worth the wait. One can only hope this will persuade
developers to release more lists of classified information for the
Macintosh.
Another interesting feature of this PowerBook is its superior
acting ability. For example, in several scenes the PowerBook managed to
outact Cruise. True, this is not that difficult an accomplishment. (In
one scene, the leg of a table in the corner of the screen outacted
Cruise for several seconds). Nevertheless, it is always impressive when
a portable computer manges to outperform the lead actor.
You may have mixed feelings about this. If you're the type of
actor who likes to be surrounded by superior actors in the hopes that
this will make the movie that much more successful, then the PowerBook
540C is for you. However, if you're at all worried about being upstaged,
you might want to consider another model.

INDEPENDENCE DAY
Independence Day (or: How I Saved the World From Destruction
With a PowerBook) featured a Macintosh PowerBook 5300. This movie is
where the Macintosh really shines. While the other computers performed
adequately in their films, no other portable computer was able to save
the world from alien desruction. Therefore, the PowerBook 5300 is our
selection as the best portable computer of the group.
Remember the old days when connecting to alien spaceships by
modem took hours of confusing configuration, and was sometimes
impossible because you lacked the proper drivers? With the PowerBook
5300, that era has come to an end. Everything on it is preinstalled.
Just point and click, and you are all set. Thanks to Apple's new
technology, you can even use your modem to play Doom against alien
lifeforms.
Equally impressive is the fact that Apple seems to have
eliminated the problem of screen freezes. Not once in the entire film
did the computer freeze, forcing Jeff Goldblum to reboot. For me, this
was even more unbelievable than the concept of aliens rom another planet
coming down to Earth and trying to destroy the human race.
If Goldblum had had to use my Macintosh, instead, the scene near
the end in which he and Will Smith fly to the alien mothership to upload
a computer virus may have turned out entirely different:
GOLDBLUM: Okay, all we have to do is wait for it to upload the
virus into the alien mothership. Oh, damn! It's stopped! The screen
froze!
SMITH: Don't be giving me none of that freeze stuff! I told you
we should have used a PC!
GOLDBLUM: It'll be okay. We just have to restart the computer.
SMITH: We got three minutes.
GOLDBLUM: Three minutes! I can't restart a Mac in three minutes!
Aaaargh! We're all gonna die!
At this point, the human race would have been destroyed, the
movie would have ended, and audiences across the nation wouldn't have
been as pleased. But the PowerBook 5300 in Independence Day saved the
day, proving that Apple has again become a serious player. If you find
yourself in a big-budget film in which the existence of the human race
is in your hands, you have no choice but to buy the PowerBook 5300.

24 Things You Learn About Computers From the Movies


1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical
interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command
shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in
plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by
simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in
computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke
billows out of disk drives and monitors.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on
the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the
screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really*
advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as
the characters come across the screen.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that
forces you backward. (See #7, above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving
the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
data at two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked
for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,
everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't
labelled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a
CRAY-MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that
it projects itself onto his/her face.

23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.
Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow
down users.

For those of you not blessed/cursed by living on UNH campus, Telecomm
has offered those of us in the dorms direct PPP lines. They connect
to our serial ports and run at a nifty (for the dorms anyways) 38400.
Of course, being the brilliant folks they are, they give you a 16 bit
version of winsock ('Lose '95 won't do it's built in PPP thing
through a serial port), so you can't run a lot of software. I
managed to get the upgraded version for 32 bit connections, so it
works swell now. The problem comes in when I tried to get my linux
box hooked up.

I got the ppp daemon compiled, the script written - everything seemed
keen. The problem started when I tried running it. It connects - I
can resolve host names, etc, but for some reason, data transfers
REALLY slow for some things ... like telnet. You can't even telnet
TO my machine at all. The weird thing is that ping works fine.

My next move after playing with it for a while? Call the help desk!

Here's how it went:



(after waiting for about 20 minutes on hold)

Supposed Tech: "Hi - how can I help you?"

Me: "Hi - I'm trying to hook up my linux box via PPP and I'm running
into some problems. It works fine under '95, but I can't seem to get
it to connect right under linux. I can resolve hostnames and even
..."

T: "Um, sir - what kind of computer is it?"

Me: "IBM compatible. Specifically, an Ambra."

T: "Ok - what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?"

* Slapping my forehead... *
Me: "This is linux. It doesn't run Trumpet Winsock."

T: "Oh - it's a DOS program?"

* sigh *
Me: "No - it's an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under '95."
(Well, after I upgraded to a 32 bit version on my own, anyways)

T: "Well, have you tried running this program under '95 then?"

* aggh!! *
Me: "No - it IS an operating system. It doesn't run under another
operating system."

T: "Oh. Ok - so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?"

(murdurous thoughts are beginning to go through my head)



After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understands
that Winsock won't run under linux for some weird reason.



Me: "So, can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?"

T: "Sure - I just need to get some info from you..."



She gets down my name, room number, phone number, computer type and
brand, then we get interesting again.



T: "Ok - so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows '95?"

Me: "Neither - it's linux."

T: "Which type of Windows does it run under though?"

(I'm sharpening my axe now...)

Me: "Neither! It runs on it's own!"

T: "Oh!!! Oh! I'm sorry, in that case we can't help you. We only
support Windows 3.1 and Windows '95."

Me: "WHAT?!?"

T: "Sorry - that's all we're currently supporting. Have a nice day."

<Click>



So, does anybody know where we hire these people? 8)

How to know that you are in 2006:

1-You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3-. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4-You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6- When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7- When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8- You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies

10- You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

11- As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

12- You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from
the net.

13- You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

14- You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9 (Bet you all did this one!?!?!?)


Have a nice Day

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no
screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that
scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my HP sales rep. I needed to buy an
entire new series 70--the works. He said it would take about an hour.
Three hours later, we'd barely gotten the datacomm hardware down on
paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began . . . .


MMUs (Main Menu Units)

00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and
condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.


My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The
waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if possible.
Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?" "No sir. All our
service is menu driven. Now what would you like?" I scanned the
menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?" "The patty is rated at eight
bites." "Well, how about the rest of it?" "I don't have the specs on
that, sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too small.
Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option
002 'expands burger to two patties.' The double burger upgrade
would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a
couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who
nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62
Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around
and looking very excited.

"What if . . . we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable
option and without the burger and cheese? It would be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger--excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and
pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too." "That's
not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in
again. "Thats not a supported configuration." "What now?" I kept my
voice steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget
the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but
thats not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't
fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first
release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110.
French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English
Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell
a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The
confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is
configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles.
"No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf." I
wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your
meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"
"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of
the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never
forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

"You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it
on my way to the table, and decided it would pass as an emergency
napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at
me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a stand alone chair by
the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups
of chili and sauerkraut for a hot dog somebody else had ordered.
The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded . . . .

I woke up clutching the water glass at my bedside table. It was
five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I
did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in
sick.


Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999

NAPSTER
No longer A Possible Solution To Escape Record-buying

TWAIN
Technology Without Any Important Name

PCMCIA
People Can?t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN
It Still Does Nothing

APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit Losing Entity

SCSI
System Can?t See It

DOS
Defective Operating System

BASIC
Bill?s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM
I Blame Microsoft (or conversely "I Build Macs")

DEC
Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM
Consumer Device-Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2
Obsolete Soon Too

WWW
World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathmatics

COBOL
Completely Obsolete Buisiness Oriented Language

AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Gamers Addiction

LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers