Message From an ISP


These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but
highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service
provider near you...


DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I
tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk...
you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to
answer it?
DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me,
genius! You want my help, stay on the line and listen. We have
much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to.
Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex
number???

DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood
of "Hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss
us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The
day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic
questions.

DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally
screwed. We didn't screw it up. It wasn't us. We're simply
telling it like it is.

DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the
intimate details of every piece o' crap shareware program you
dredge out of the Internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!

We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or
engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call
the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE
INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your
connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year
old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else
connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just
you.

DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts
on the content of our home page or to request that we send you
flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo
night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages
just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe
through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested
on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo
keepers.


DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system
and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and
help you. We aren't technological psychics.

DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is
our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations,
gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away
with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us
who caused it.

DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know
anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me,
we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you
called and announced "help, the Internet is broken!" Something
here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call
us.

DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers
and that you're doing us a favour by gracing us with your call.
This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid
suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous
temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of
destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that
you'd notice.

DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the
meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're
completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.

DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem
like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying
when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand
every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be
'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you
something different than the first one did. If one of us tells
you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is
going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's
screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and
then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality
of a house plant.

DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't
think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's
come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must
call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what
you're on.

Mouse Balls


This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to
all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious.
The rest of us may find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any
customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of
removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe..."

Mom and Understanding Computers

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked
for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the
full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual
device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in
a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling
me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents)
who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable
from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school;
otherwise just wear your shoes."

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
processing:

"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make
a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because
you'll need them this afternoon."

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party,
she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue
telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the
treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks
after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and
groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing
machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to
this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This
greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one
matching pair.

Mother had all of the children write letters then mailed in a single
envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of
blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number
of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to
reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a
whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put
the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the
napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order
at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically
present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and
so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and
distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a
neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk
to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors
that can't be beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.

MS Auto


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If G.M. had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the gallon." In
response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating,
"If G.M. had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:



For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
new car.

Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a manner such as a left turn, would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or
"CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would but would only run on
five percent of the roads.

The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

G.M. would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a G.M. subsidiary), even though they neither need
them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause
the car's performance to diminish by fifty percent or more. Moreover, G.M.
would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

Every time G.M. introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.

You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

If Microsoft Bought McDonalds


Super Size 'upgrades' would be mandatory, if customers wanted to actually
use the food to its fullest potential.

We'd all have to buy new cars to use the McMicrosoft Drive-Thru.

Upon hearing about a new burger about to be launched by Netscape King,
McMicrosoft would 'preannounce' *their* new burger, even though its secret
sauce is still in alpha.

They'd steal recipes from Apple's employee cafeteria!

Once a customer eats McMicrosoft food, trying to remove all traces of it
from the digestive tract proves impossible.

Microsoft To Sell Ad Space in Error Messages


Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it
is selling advertising space in the error messages
that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the
first time that the average user of their
operating system encounters error messages at
least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to
take financial advantage of the unavoidable
opportunity to make an ad impression.

"We estimate that throughout the world at
any given moment several million people are
getting a `General Protection Fault' or `Illegal
Operation' warning. We will be able to generate
significant revenue by including a short
advertising message along with it," said Microsoft
marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also
mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner
ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near
future.

The Justice Department immediately
indicated that they intend to investigate whether
Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in
reaching the public with this advertising by
virtue of its semi

A Microsoft X-mas



'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Murphy's Laws of Computing


1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to
happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer,
it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is
even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely
what you want to do.

Net Snoop
by Joe Lavin -- http://joelavin.com


"As computers and the Internet grow more prevalent, employers
increasingly are using software to monitor workers' computer use.
Employers say such surveillance is needed to cut down on-line loafing,
to protect companies from potentially illegal or improper computer
activities by workers, and even just to determine whether there is any
problem of computer misuse." -- The Boston Globe


To: All Staff
From: Charles Endicott

As many of you are aware, we have recently installed a new Net Snoop
computer monitoring system to help us track employee Internet use. I
want to assure you that we are using Net Snoop only to increase our
productivity. While the system does allow me to view what is on your
computer screen at all times, this in no way should be viewed as an
invasion of privacy. It is merely an attempt to make our family here at
Warburton's more successful than ever.

To: Melissa March
From: Charles Endicott

Congratulations on your recent Minesweeper score of 163. That is very
impressive indeed. However, while conducting a test of our new Net
Snoop system, I did notice that you might be playing too much
Minesweeper at work. In fact, yesterday you played all day, with only a
break for lunch and another break in which to write a short e-mail to
Raoul in Accounting entitled "Thanks for last night, STUD!!!" An
occasional game of Minesweeper is fine, but it would be best to play
only during your break time. Thank you.

To: Max Travis
From: Charles Endicott

It was a delight meeting your son yesterday. However, I did notice that
while you were at a meeting, he surfed to some very frightening web
sites. One was for a singer called Marilyn Manson and was, I must say,
deeply unsettling. I don't mean to accuse you of bad parenting; I just
thought I should inform you so that you may take the appropriate
disciplinary action.

To: George Pedersen
From: Charles Endicott

While it is impressive that you have been able to download almost the
entire Pamela Anderson video collection, I feel that this action is not at
all appropriate in the workplace. From now on, Pedersen, please refrain
from using company computers to view pornographic materials. Thank
you.

To Raoul Westerburg
From: Charles Endicott

It seems that your excessive online chatting may be a problem. Many of
your messages seem quite racy for the office setting, and I think it is
important that everyone remains fully clothed at all times during the
workday. Also, from a review of your e-mail, it is apparent that you are
involved romantically with at least three women and possibly one man in
our office. There is no policy against this, but I do think it is important
that something like this does not get out of hand. We certainly do not
want this office to turn into a soap opera, and I hope that this can all be
resolved without a scene.

To: George Pedersen
From: Charles Endicott

Pedersen, I believe I have already warned you against viewing offensive
materials. This extends to the use of e-mail as well. I must say that your
latest e-mail joke about the cow was not at all amusing and in fact deeply
disturbing. As you should know, such an activity can be quite painful
for a cow, and I do not believe it is right for us to laugh at its misfortune.
Furthermore, sending this out to a large number of people from a
Warburton's e-mail address is completely unacceptable. I hope this will
not happen again.

To: Melissa March
From: Charles Endicott

Through Net Snoop, I was able to read several chapter of the new novel
you are writing at work. I was very impressed, but I also feel that it would
be best if you could refrain from writing this during work hours. Chapter
Three, "Why Raoul is a two timing creep who deserves to die" was
especially well written, though I am a little hurt by Chapter Six, "My boss
is a big fat nosy bastard." If you are at all unhappy, I hope you will stop
by my office so that we can discuss it. My door is always open.

To: All Staff
From: Samuel Warburton

It is with great regret that I have asked for the resignation of Charles
Endicott. He was in the past a very effective manager, but, since the
introduction of our Net Snoop system, Charles has been greatly
neglecting his work. During the last several weeks, he has not been
performing his normal tasks at all; instead, he has merely been sitting in
his office all day spying on other employees. I have decided it would be
best to look for a replacement. I appreciate all your hard work and I know
that we will be able to continue at our normal level of success
throughout the coming transition. Thank you.


Copyright 1999 by Joe Lavin