>
> ---HUSBAND - HAI DEAR,I AM LOGGED IN.
>
> ---WIFE - HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE DRESS.
>
> ---HUSBAND - BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME.
>
> ---WIFE - BUT I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT IN MORNING
>
> ---HUSBAND - ERRONEOUS SYNTAX, BORT,RETRY,CANCEL.
>
> ---WIFE - OH GOD !FORGET IT WHERE'S YOUR SALARY.
>
> ---HUSBAND - FILE IN USE,READ ONLY,TRY AFTER SOME
TIME.
>
> ---WIFE - ATLEAST GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD,I CAN DO
>SOME SHOPPING.
>
> ---HUSBAND - SHARING VIOLATION,ACCESS DENIED.
>
> ---WIFE - I MADE A MISTAKE IN MARRING YOU.
>
> ---HUSBAND - DATA TYPE MISMATCH.
>
> ---WIFE - YOU ARE USELESS.
>
> ---HUSBAND - BY DEFAULT.
>
> ---WIFE - WHO WAS THERE WITH YOU IN THE CAR THIS
MORNING.
>
> ---HUSBAND - SYSTEM UNSTABLE,PRESS ,, >TO REBOOT.
>
> ---WIFE - WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SOME SNACKS
>
> ---HUSBAND - HARD DISK FULL.
>
> ---WIFE - WHAT IS THE RELATION BETWEEN YOU & YOUR
RECEPTIONIST.
>
> ---HUSBAND - THE ONLY USER WITH WRITE PERMISSION.
>
> ---WIFE - WHAT IS MY VALUE IN YOUR LIFE.
>
> ---HUSBAND - UNKNOWN VIRUS DETECTED.
>
> ---WIFE - DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOUR COMPUTER.
>
> ---HUSBAND - TOO MANY PARAMETERS.
>
> ---WIFE - I WILL GO TO MY DADS HOUSE.
>
> ---HUSBAND - PROGRAM PERFORMED ILLEGAL OPERATION,IT
>WILL CLOSE.
>
> ---WIFE - I WILL LEAVE YOU FOR EVER.
>
> ---HUSBAND - CLOSE ALL PROGRAMS & LOG OUT FOR
ANOTHER >USER.
>
> ---WIFE - IT IS WORTHLESS TALKING TO YOU
>
> ---HUSBAND - SHUT DOWN THE COMPUTER.
>
> ---WIFE - I AM GOING
>
> ---HUSBAND - ITS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.
>
>

The NEW Microsoft Keyboard


Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the
works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your
Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set,
so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far
are:

1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose
of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need
to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need
for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of
Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
within the file being edited.

4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing
for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is
very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the
world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you
thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's
usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it
easier?

10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100%
data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all
know what it really stands for.

Newsgroup Etiquette


Q: How can I choose what groups to post in? ...
Q: How about an example?

A: Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think
rec.sport.hockey would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be
interested. This is a big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it
belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well. If you are a news admin, or
there is one on your machine, try news.admin. If not, use news.misc.

The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. He
is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are
also interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post
to soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre
as well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any
articles there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article
further.)
-- Brad Templeton, Emily Postnews Answers Your
Questions on Netiquette

The Night Before Y2K




'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy
Wouldn't stop there.

While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.

But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.

When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug

His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall

Go Intel Go Gateway
Now HP Big Blue
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too

All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away Crash away
Crash away all

All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.

His eyes-how they twinkled
His dimples-how merry
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.

He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty shout,
Happy Y2K to you all,
This is a helluva night

NOSMOKE.COM


A guy calls tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup
files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell
me the command.



10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right.
The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes.



10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come
with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that
will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.



1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I called Microsoft and told him about what your said,
and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer.
> >She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
> >Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis". Without
> >blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died
> >laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED.NOT LONG ENOUGH.

The Programmers of Chelm
A Tale So Good You Could Plotz

by Lincoln Spector


In Yiddish folklore, the village of Chelm is renowned as a town of fools
-- a place where wisdom, learning, and inspiration need never be hampered
by common sense. The people of Chelm can, therefore, be considered the
spiritual ancestors of all software designers.



One day, the programmers of Chelm decided to write a new database for the
synagogue. "It must keep track of every family in Chelm," pointed out
Shmul, who liked to think of himself as the project leader. "We need to
know who's married to who, who are their children, and every first and
second cousin."

"I see," said Mendel. "It must be a relational database."

"But who should we relate to who?" asked Moshe.

"Well, I certainly don't want my son marrying your daughter," objected Avram.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen," called out Shmul, "let's remember what we're here
for. Now I say we need a table for men, a table for women, a table for
families, and a table for children."

"Does the rabbi get his own table?" asked Avram. Everyone agreed that he
should, as he was wise.

"What about the user interface?" asked Moshe.

Everyone looked at Shmul. "There should definitely be one," he said.
"Otherwise, who would use it?"

"Yes, but should it have a speedbar, smart icons, or a floating toolbar?
And what kind of help should it have?"

"Does it need help?" asked Mendel. "Does not the Talmud say that we should
study? Let us write documentation that scholars can pore over and discuss
at length."

But Moshe still wasn't satisfied. "What happens if Yussel and Shandel have
another baby? How does Mordcha, the rabbi's best student, make note of
that?"

"Everyone knows what he does," answered Avram. "He writes it down on a
piece of paper."

"Which he then uses to wrap fish," added Mendel.

"Yes, but what will he do when our system is complete?" Everyone agreed
this was a very good question.

It didn't take Shmul long to come up with an answer. "He'll turn on his
computer, enter our database, and type in the name of the new baby."

"But how will the database know that Yussel and Shandel are the parents?"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Avram. "Chelm is a small village. Everyone
knows everyone else. When there's a new baby, how can someone not know the
parents?"

"How do people know?" asked Mendel.

"That's easy," Avram answered. "Before the baby is born, they can tell by
looking at the father. Why can't our program do the same?"

"Because a computer doesn't have eyes."

"Ah!" cried Shmul. "The computer doesn't have eyes, but Mordcha does, and
Mordcha can tell the computer everything he sees. And if he says `Yussel
looks very happy' one day, and `There's a new baby in town' on the next,
the program will figure it out."

Mendel considered this. "Perhaps, but I don't like depending on Mordcha
telling the computer everything he sees. If he forgets to tell the computer
that he saw the rabbi eat, will the program think it's Yom Kippur? It would
be better if we write a query routine that will help Mordcha find a family.
After all, are we not programmers? Mordcha could run the query from the
main menu, and that will bring him to a view of Yussel and Shandel's
family."

"Will he be able to enter a new baby from this view?" asked Moshe.

"Of course not!" said Mendel. "For that, he'd need to go to the New Baby
form, which he can get to from the main menu. So after he's executed a
query and found Yussel and Shandel, he can click a button to go back to the
main menu. From there, he can go to any part of the database he wants."

Moshe, however, suspected a fatal flaw. "But if he leaves the query and
goes back to the main menu, how will the computer know the new baby belongs
to Yussel and Shandel?"

This question so greatly troubled the programmers of Chelm that Avram was
moved to ask, "Does Maimonides say anything about this?"

"Ach," cried Moshe. "Who cares about Maimonides? He used COBOL!"

Just then Shmul found the solution. "It's simplicity itself! We'll put a
button on the New Baby form that will let Mordcha do a query on the family
table. When he finds Yussel and Shandel, he can press the button that will
bring him back to the main menu and from there, return to the New Baby
form."

"That's brilliant!" cried Moshe. Then he thought about it. "But when he
goes back to the New Baby form, will the computer know that Yussel and
Shandel are the parents?"

"Of course not. But he can always push the query button again."

Moshe wasn't too sure. "What if he doesn't like being part of an infinite loop?"

"Loop, schmoop. He's studying to be a rabbi, isn't he? He needs to learn
about the infinite."

"I have a better idea," interjected Moshe. "We can simply make all the new
babies belong to Yussel and Shandel."

The programmers all agreed this was the best plan yet. They were
congratulating themselves when Avram had a thought. "Oy vey! There's
something we overlooked. What will Mordcha wrap his fish in?"

Moshe laughed. "But that's so simple. We'll add an option for him to print
a special report."

Recursive Acronym or Self-Referral!

elm: Electronic Mail [1982]
pine: Pine Is Not Elm [1989]
pico: Pine's Internal Composer [1993]
nano: Milli Micro Pico Nano Femto [1999]
femto: Feminist Tool [2003]
GNU: GNU is Not Unix
Emacs: Emacs Makes All Computers Slow
LAME: LAME Ain't an MP3 Encoder
MINT: MINT Is Not Term
RPM: RPM Packe Manager

EINE: EINE Is Not EMACS
ZWEI: ZWEI Was EINE Initially
LIAR: Liar Imitates Apply Recursively
WINE: Wine Is Not an Emulator
-- Not an emulator because it just re-routes the linux system calls to
windows dlls :D (Thanks, "Murray Lewis" )
PHP Hypertext Processor

Remember When ...



A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show,
A window was something you hated to clean...
and Ram was the cousin of a goat..
A byte was something you took when you ate,
Meg was the name of my honey....
Hardware was used to lock a door...
Gig was a muscian's job for money.
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show....
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano.....
Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file...
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived....
A backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue....
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head....
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash...
But when it happens they'll wish they were dead....

Restaurant Y2K

You own a restaurant - a really fancy, big-name restaurant. You make boodles of money, because famous people come eat at your restaurant, the word gets around... besides, you trained at one of those big fancy French schools for cooks, so you've paid your dues. And you're Greek, that helps....

Now, being a big fancy restaurant, you've got lots of bills to pay; food stocks, payroll, utility bills, and of course insurance. Big bill, that damn insurance, because being a big fancy restaurant, everyone and their mother sues you every time they trip over the edge of a rug, or burn their arm reaching over the candle on the table, or (glub forbid) wind up with food poisoning.

But your insurance company pays.... they'd rather negotiate on those nuisance
lawsuits than spend the time, and money, in court. Of course, your bill keeps
going up and up, and up.... But hey, that's one of the costs of doing business,
and being a big fancy restaurant, you understand and live with it.

Now, you receive a letter from your insurance company, explaining a new wrinkle
in the process. You check around, and all your other friends who own their own
big fancy restaurants, and even the ones with smaller joints, have received similar letters. The insurance companies are explaining, in advance, about a claim that they will NOT be paying, so don't even bother sending it in. They expect many restaurants, at the end of the year, will be experiencing a problem with their walk-in refrigerator and freezer units, and they will not be responsible for the spoilage due to this problem.

See where this is going yet?

That's right folks, the insurance companies have been warning them since summer
that they will not be responsible when and if the Y2K problem hits the major
utilities, and power-outages become more common than cockroaches behind the stove.... well, not THIS stove, of course, because this is a big fancy restaurant.....

Now, I don't really have too much of a problem with this... they gave them over
6 months to get some kind of backup system on line, i.e. a generator or a couple tons of ice - whatever, your choice, just make sure it works... makes good business sense, for both parties.

I heard this from a relative who helps out at the big fancy restaurant from
time-to-time, so I can't really verify the accuracy of his statement.... but he said the insurance companies were declaring the Y2K problem AN ACT OF GOD!!!!