The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary
(Just tilt your head to the left)


:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect
a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear
voice inflection over Unix.

;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or
sarcastic remark. More of the "don't" hit me for what
I just said" smilie.

:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement
or is upset or depressed about something.

:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but
not quite as good as a happy smilie.

:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse
than a :-).

>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.

>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just
made




Those are the basic ones ... Here are some somewhat less common ones:



(-: User is left handed

%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours
straight

:*) User is drunk

[:] User is a robot

8-) User is wearing sunglasses

B:-) Sunglasses on head

::-) User wears normal glasses

B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses

8:-) User is a little girl

:-)-8 User is a big girl

:-{) User has a mustache

:-(} User wears lipstick

{:-) User wears a toupee

}:-( Toupee in an updraft

:-[ User is a vampire

:-E Bucktoothed vampire

:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing

:-7 User just made a wry statement

:-* User just ate something sour

:-)* User drools

:-*) User has a cold

:?-( User is crying

:?-) User is so happy, s/he is crying

:-@ User is screaming

:-# User wears braces

:) User has a broken nose

:V) User has broken nose, but it?s the other way

:_) User?s nose is sliding of his/her face

:-& User is tongue tied

=:-) User is a hosehead

-:-) User is a punk rocker

-:-( (real punk rockers don?t smile)

:=) User has two noses

+-(:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious
office

`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning

,:-) Same thing ... other side

|-I User is asleep

|-O User is yawning

:-Q User is a smoker

:-? User smokes a pipe

O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (Or else user is a scuba diver)

O:-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)

:-P Nyahhhh!

:-S User just made an incoherent statement

:-D User is laughing (at you!)

:-X User?s lips are sealed

:-C User is really bummed

<|-) User is Chinese

<|=( User is Chinese and doesn?t like these kind of jokes

:-/ User is skeptical

C=:-) User is a chef

@= User is pro-nuclear war

*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus hat

:-o Uh Oh!

(8-O It?s Mr. Bill!

*:o) And Bozo the Clown!

3:] Pet smile

3:[ Mean pet smile

d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat

E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator

:-9 User is licking his/her lips

%-6 User is braindead

[:-) User is wearing a walkman

(:I User is an egghead

<:-I User is a dunce

K:P User is a little kid wearing a propeller beanie

@:-) User is wearing a turban

:-o No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)

:-: Mutant Smilie

The invisible smilie

.-) User only has one eye

,-) User only has one eye ... but s/he?s winking

X-( User just died

8 :-) User is a wizard

@;^[) Elvis

*<(:?) Frosty the Snowman

\
8-] FDR

7:-) Ronald Reagan

/:-) Gumby

@@@@@@@@:) Marge Simpson

=):-)= Abe Lincoln

[8-] Frankenstein

===:-D Don King

:-)x Senator Paul Simon


C=}>;*[)) Mega-Smilie .. A drunk, devilish chef with a
toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double
chin



Note: A lot of these can be typed with out noses to make midget smilies.


:) Midget smilie

:] Gleep ... a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend

A Guide to Software Revisions


1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to
release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and
the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we
had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you,
it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes
so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this
time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were
fixing these bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't
believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and
wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are
really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need
to get more memory and a faster processor ...

If Restaurants Functioned Like MICROSOFT


Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter.
What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup;
try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl;
what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and
the check

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!


The check:
Soup of the Day . ........... . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00

SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY
or
DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW


ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.

ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.

BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.

NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.

EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.

FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.

FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.

HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.

IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.

MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.

MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.

PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.

REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails.

STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.

UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.

Wed, 4 Sep 1996
Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark
infringement against the island of Java over the use of Sun's
Java trademark.

Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java for
centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yeah, and in all that
time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the
name."

Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change
its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but
an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise.
The country finally settled on a symbol for a name -- a neatly-colored
coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most
newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the
island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as "The Island
Formerly Known As Java".

The Island Formerly Known As Java bills itself as a cross-landmass
island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the
Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it
on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.

Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge
fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal
papers for them..

System Problem Report


This is a form to make the reporting of problems consistent, allow
records of problems to be kept, and a method of discouraging users
from reporting faults in the first place.

1. Your Name: __________________________
2. Your Login Name: ____________________
3. The date? __/__/__
4. The date the problem first occurred if different? __/__/__
5. Problem severity:
Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___
6. Which machine?
7. Which are appears to be at fault?
Communications ___ Disk ___ Base Unit ___
Network ___ Keyboard ___ Screen ___
Mouse ___ Everything ___ Don't Know ___
7.1 Is it plugged in? Yes___ No ___
7.2 Is it switched on? Yes___ No ___
7.3 Has it been stolen? Yes___ No ___
7.4 Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No ___
7.4.1 Have you made it worse? Yes___ No ___
7.5 Have you read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.5.1 Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.5.2 Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.6 Did you understand it? Yes___ No ___
7.6.1 If 'Yes", then why can't you fix it yourself? ________________
______________________________________________________________
7.7 Is the equipment unexpectedly noisy? Yes___ No ___
7.7.1 If 'Yes", what sort of noise?
Grinding ___ Rattling ___
Whirring ___ High Pitched Whine ___
Sound of disk head scouring disk ___
Strange, out of tune whistling or humming ___
7.8 Is there a smell of burning? Yes___ No ___
7.8.1 If "Yes", is the equipment on fire? Yes___ No ___
7.9 Is the fault repeatable? Yes___ No ___
7.10 What were you doing (with the equipment) at the time the fault
occurred?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
7.10.1 If 'Nothing', explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________________________________
7.12 Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes___ No ___
7.13 Describe the problem _________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
7.14 Now, describe the problem accurately _________________________
______________________________________________________________
7.15 Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem ______________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
7.16 Can't you do something else, rather than bothering me?
Yes___ No ___

Technical Support Recipe: Butter Your Disk Drive


Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk,
and now my A drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive
and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
out and that didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I
can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A drive
and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

( At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
other techs to listen in.)

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what
you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy disk out,
then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
button?"

( Silence. )

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going
to sue you for breaking my computer!"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company
because you put the disk in the A drive, didn't follow the
instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice,
didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer
properly, but instead proceeded to pour butter into the drive and
physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record
every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: ( now rather humbled ) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
Have a nice day!"

Austin, Texas,


An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.


Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power
switch, she asked "What power switch?"


Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.


AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.


Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.


Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.


A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up
and crossing the room to close the door to his room.


Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
key.


Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a
couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."


Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all
the keys and washing them individually.


A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

In opening the session, NarayanaMurthy(Infosys)
mentioned a
hypothetical situation where 20 executives
board an airplane and are told that the
flight that they are about to take is the
first-ever to feature pilotless technology:

It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately,
that their company's software is running
the aircraft's automatic pilot system.

Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft,
each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming
very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this
first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the
same software that runs my company's IT systems,
this plane won't even take off."

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, ?If you kiss me, I?ll turn into a beautiful princess.? He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, ?If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero? The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, ?If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.? The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, ?If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I?ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.? Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, ?What is the matter? I?ve told you I?m a beautiful princess, that I?ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won?t you kiss me??

The man said, ?Look, I?m a computer programmer. I don?t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.?