The Seven Stages of a Usenet Poster
With Illustrative Examples


1. Innocence

HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT THIS
NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP -- HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. :-) <-- MY
FIRST SMILEY; DO YOU HAVE INTERESTING ONES? PLEASE POST SOME; I THINK THAT
THEIR COOL. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY BIZARRE DEAD BABY JOKES?

2. Enthusiasm

Wow! This stuff is great! But one thing I've noticed is that everytime
someone tries to tell a dead baby jokes, everyone says that they don't want
to hear them. This really sucks; there are a lot of us who *like* dead
baby jokes. Therefore, I propose that we create the newsgroup:

rec.humor.dead.babes

specifically for those of us who like these jokes. Can anyone tell me how
to create a newsgroup?

3. Arrogance

In message (3.14159@BAR), FOO@BAR.BITNET says:

> [dead chicken joke deleted]

This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Can't you read the rules? Gene
Spafford _a clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:

rec.humor.dead.babes Dead Baby joke swapping

Simple enough for you? It's not enough that the creature be dead, it
*must* be a baby -- capeesh?

This person is clearly scum -- they're even hiding behind a pseudonym. I
mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the sysadmin at
BAR.BITNET requesting that this person's net access be revoked immediately.
If said sysadmin does not comply, they are obviously in on it -- I will
urge that their feeds cut them off post-haste, so that they cannot spread
this kind of $#!T over the net.

4. Disgust

In message (102938363617@Wumpus), James_The_Giant_Killer@Wumpus writes:

> Q: How do you fit 54 dead babies in a Tupperware bowl?
> ^L
> A: La Machine! HAHAHA!

Are you people completely devoid of imagination? We've heard this joke *at
least* 20 times, in the past three months alone!

When we first started this newsgroup, it was dynamic and innovative. We
would trade dead baby jokes that were truly fresh; ones that no one had
heard before. Half the jokes were *completely* original to this group.
Now, all we have are hacks who want to hear themselves speak. You people
are dull as dishwater. I give up; I'm unsubscribing, as of now. You can
have your stupid arguments without Me. Goodbye!

5. Resignation

In message (12345@wildebeest) wildman@wildebeest complains:

>In message (2@newsite) newby@newsite (Jim Newbs) writes:
>
>> How do you stuff 500 dead babies in a garbage can?
>> With a Cuisinart!
>
> ARRGGHH! We went out and created rec.humor.dead.babes.new specifically
> to keep this sort of ANCIENT jokes out! Go away and stick with
> r.h.d.b until you manage to come up with an imagination, okay?

Hey, wildman, chill out. When you've been around as long as I have, you'll
come to understand that twits are a part of life on the net. Look at it
this way: at least they haven't overwhelmed us yet. Most of the jokes in
rec.humor.dead.babes.new are still fresh and interesting. We can hope that
people like newby above will go lurk until they understand the subtleties
of dead baby joke creation, but we should bear with them if they don't.
Keep your cool, and don't let it bug you.

6. Ossification

In message (6:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
> In message (2374373@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:
>> In message (5:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
>>> In message (2364821@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:
>>>> In message (4:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
>>>>> Therefore, I propose the creation of rec.humor.dead.chicken.
>>>> Before they go asking for this newsgroup, I point out that they
>>>> should follow the rules. The guidelines clearly state that you
>>>> should be able to prove sufficient volume for this group. I have
>>>> heard no such volume in rec.humor.dead.babes, so I must conclude
>>>> that this proposal is a sham, and a fraud on the face of it.
>>> The last time we tried to post a dead chicken joke to r.h.d.b, we
>>> were yelled at to keep out! How DARE you accuse us of not having
>>> the volume, you TURD?
>> This sort of ad hominem attack is uncalled for. My point is simply
>> this: if there were interest in telling jokes about dead chickens,
>> then we surely would have heard some jokes about dead *baby* chickens
>> in r.h.d.b. We haven't heard any such jokes, so it is obvious that
>> there is no interest in chicken jokes.
> That doesn't even make sense! Your logic is completely flawed. Think a

It should be clear to people by now that this Cluckhead is full of it.
There is no interest in rec.humor.dead.chicken, so it should not be
created.

People like this really burn me. Doesn't he realize that it will just take
a few more newsgroups to bring this whole house of cards down around us?
First, we get rec.humor.dead.chicken (and undoubtedly,
rec.humor.dead.chicken.new). Next, they'll be asking for rec.humor.ethnic.
Then, rec.humor.newfy. By that time, all of the news admins in the world
will have decided to drop us completely. Is that what you want, Cluck? To
bring about the end of Usenet? Humph!

I urge everyone to vote against this proposal. The current system works,
and we shouldn't push at it, lest it break.

7. Nostalgia

Well, they've just created rec.humor.ethnic.newfoundland.bizarre. My, how
things have grown. It seems like such a short time ago that I first joined
this net. At the time, there were only two newsgroups under the humorous
banner: rec.humor and rec.humor.funny. I'm amazed at how things have
split. Nowadays, you have to have twenty newsgroups in your sequencer just
to keep up with the *new* jokes. Ah, for the good old days, when we could
read about it all in one place...

Top 25 Explanations by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work


1. Strange...

2. I've never heard about that.

3. It did work yesterday.

4. Well, the program needs some fixing.

5. How is this possible?

6. The machine seems to be broken.

7. Has the operating system been updated?

8. The user has made an error again.

9. There is something wrong in your test data.

10. I have not touched that module!

11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.

12. You must have the wrong executable.

13. Oh, it's just a feature.

14. I'm almost ready.

15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.

16. It will be done in no time at all.

17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.

18. I can't test everything!

19. THIS can't do THAT.

20. Didn't I fix it already?

21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.

22. It works, but it's not been tested.

23. Somebody must have changed my code.

24. There must be a virus in the application software.

25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

Toaster Makers
Found on the net. Author unknown.

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring
bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM
would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have
to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the
toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity
to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
let's you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other
appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with
their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but
5 years earlier (and of course, it would do it
better). When you cut your toast, it bleeds in 6
colors. .

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless
black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of
toast on top of it. Their service department would
have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government
documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.


If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only
the NSA could access in case they needed to get at
your toast for reasons of national security.

If NASA made toasters...
The toast would burst into flames shortly after
popping up.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which
takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
conveniently attached to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter
toaster.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of
bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist
toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive
slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster
would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know
anything about it. You would be able to buy all the
parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would
get a free set of Ginsu knives.

If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all
brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home
you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant Extension was three years
away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just
blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really
good cuppa Java.

If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece
got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a
new one.

If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that
you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a
Jack-in-the-box.

If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a
six-pack of 'em.

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three
years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing
smoke.

If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the
toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their
service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the
blueprints for the box would be highly classified government
documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.

If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
your belt.

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece
of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless
would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their
toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier.

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it,
except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab
every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.

The Ten Types of Usenet Users


The Lurker -- Never posts, never replys just observes.

The Vulture -- Never posts, but ready and waiting to point out any fault in
your post.

The Knit Picker -- Never posts but will break down, question and analyze
your post until it is no longer funny.

The Poacher -- Never posts, but will reply to another post with a better or
different punchline, stealing the laugh.

The Flame Fodder -- Usually a newbie who asked a lame question, usually in
the wrong group. No mercy is shown.

The News Cop -- Only ever post to tell people they are in the wrong group
or to stop spamming etc.

The Wacko -- Will often post a message or joke which makes no sense. The
wacko will never post again. Strange.

The Spammer -- we all HATE the spammer!!!!

The Stealth Spammer -- Post Spams that need to be read before you can tell
its a spam.

The Hero -- This brave person often posts at the mercy of the Vultures,
Knit pickers and the Poachers.

Which are you?

Dear Receiver
You have just received a Turkish computer virus.
Since we are not so
technologically advanced in Ardabil, this is a
MANUAL virus. Please delete
all the files on your hard disk yourself and send
this virus to everyone you
know.
Thank you very much for helping me.


Gazanfar the Hacker

The Life of a Computer Analyst



Monday
------

8:05am

User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use
password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant,
they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and
drive, too?

8:12am

Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it
works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my
coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in.
Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am

User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error
accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem.
Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am

Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support
phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are
coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred
her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The
"Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am

Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL
changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR
can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change
ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm

Lunch

3:30 pm

Return from lunch.

3:55 pm

Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm

Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on
form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call
back when they find out.

4:55 pm

Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next
shift has something to do.

Tuesday
-------

8:30 am

Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy.
Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am

Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the
calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which
have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm

Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they
need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a
form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they
never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial
closet in basement.

10:00 am

Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID.
Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name,
and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board
database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah
Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight.
Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering
for Customer Partnership,"

I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am

Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in
basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch
console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm

Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm

Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not
running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm

Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm

Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls
for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't
hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably
"Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product?
She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm

Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to
check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell
her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put
duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC.
Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm

Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
---------

8:30 am

Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on
form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking
"Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am

Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am

Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am

Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am

Lunch.

4:55 pm

Return from lunch.

5:00 pm

Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
--------

8:00 am

New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show
him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him
up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in
both monochrome and color.

8:45 am

New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID
for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am

Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie
comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am

Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos
out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says
Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio
antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to
try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am

Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new
employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper
aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to
provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on
shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database
(a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's
DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps
over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm

Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm

Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm

Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just
testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
------

8:00 am

Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.
Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am

Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these
calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am

Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and
the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.

9:30 am

Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San
Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's
sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the
time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am

Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them
to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am

E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the
time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it
to Milwaukee.

11:20 am

Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am

Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am

Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So
hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has
appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind
sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No
problem!"

11:30 am

Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff"
I tell him.

12:00 am

Lunch.

1:00 pm

Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.

1:03 pm

Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm

Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel
2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home
resting, you know.

2:39 pm

New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility
CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm

Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him
if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm

Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working.
Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send
them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm

Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm

User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell
them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key,
and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which
says so.

4:45 pm

Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell
them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm

Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not
(too) much.

5:00 pm

Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to
have a good weekend.

The Internet Explained
By Dave Barry


Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial
"on-line" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America
Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some
night and install their programs on your computer when you're
sleeping. They really want your business.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you-even if you have no previous
computer experience-to provide the on-line services with the
information they need to automatically put monthly charges on
your credit card bill forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying
for ears to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter
what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're
thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to
the on-line service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected
to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!

Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over
the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of
whom are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some
areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious
People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and
of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any
given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens
of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so
nobody will know their real identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in
all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers,
from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could
be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers,
scientists, singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):

LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry

(LONGISH PAUSE)

UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L

(LONGISH PAUSE)

PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the
ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some
fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or
not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have
"cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each
other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster,
hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder
and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that
they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.

Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly:

Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS

(LONGISH PAUSE)

HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your...
HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG
RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM
THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST
OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN
THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU
WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni.- Whoops

Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting
messages, discuss political topics of the day.

Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.

Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.

Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about
how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting
messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then
sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how
much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry
countermessages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.

Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.

Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.

Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.

Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you'll
find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human
understanding.

Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. It is.

Q. What is the "World Wide Web"?
A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you
can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite
range of topics. This information is stored on "Web pages," which are
maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special
software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen
to all kinds of cool stuff.

Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A. It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a boat from an
Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and
specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up
your World Wide Web software and type in the company's Web page address,
which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of
characters like this:

http//:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum


Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.

Q. Ah.
A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press
Enter, and there you are!

Q. Where?
A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen. It
could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in
the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to
what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of
light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles..
It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at
the boats in person.

Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A. Heck no! If you're willing to be patient, you'll find that you can utilize
the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you
never before dreamed possible.

Q. For example?
A. For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser," which is
a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace - millions
of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You
can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the
Internet about that topic; it's an incredibly powerful research tool.

Q. That is truly beautiful.
A. Yes. And it's just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny
fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of
stuff out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going
to be on there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Don't be
afraid! Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail
address: ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into
uncharted waters, fearful of what you might encounter, but also
mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying: "If you don't leave
the land, then you'll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and
develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes."

So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier,
with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the
betterment of the human race!

Wazootyman is waiting for you.

THE HACKER TEST - Version 1.0

Preface: 06.16.89

This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela
Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through
many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go
through many more.


(Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom,
cunningly disguised as a test.)


Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each
question that you can answer correctly.


If you score is between: You are

0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate
0x011 and 0x040 -> a User
0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator
0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd
0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker
0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru
0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard

Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here.


And now for the questions...


0001 Have you ever used a computer?
0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously?
0003 ... more than 8 hours?
0004 ... more than 16 hours?
0005 ... more than 32 hours?

0006 Have you ever patched paper tape?

0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming?
0008 ... Missed an examination?
0009 ... Missed a wedding?
0010 ... Missed your own wedding?

0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated?
0012 ... Did it make sense the next day?

0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator?

0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment?

0015 Ever change the value of 4?
0016 ... Unintentionally?
0017 ... In a language other than Fortran?

0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting?

0019 Have you named a computer?

0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed?

0021 Do you eat slime-molds?

0022 Do you know how many days old you are?

0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza?

0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke?
0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it?

0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky?
0027 ... Backwards?

0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"?

0029 Have you seen "Tron"?

0030 Have you seen "Wargames"?

0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for?
0032 ... EBCDIC?

0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal?
0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes?

0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex?

0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa?

0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC?

0038 Do you know maxint on your system?

0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision?

0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order?
0041 ... up to 2**32?
0042 ... up to 2**64?

0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
0044 ... feeling the holes?

0045 Have you ever patched binary code?
0046 ... While the program was running?

0047 Have you ever used program overlays?

0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president?
0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken?

0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT?
0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT?

0052 Have you ever digitized a picture?

0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey?

0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop?

0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort?

0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you?

0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
0058 ... Did it answer?

0059 Can you whistle 300 baud?
0060 ... 1200 baud?

0061 Can you whistle a telephone number?

0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash?
0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"?

0064 Can you build a puffer train?
0065 ... Do you know what it is?

0066 Can you play music on your line printer?
0067 ... Your disk drive?
0068 ... Your tape drive?

0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar?
0070 ... Is it out-of-date?

0071 Do you have a line printer picture of...
0072 ... the Mona Lisa?
0073 ... the Enterprise?
0074 ... Einstein?
0075 ... Oliver?
0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture?

0077 Do you know what the following stand for?
0078 ... DASD
0079 ... Emacs
0080 ... ITS
0081 ... RSTS/E
0082 ... SNA
0083 ... Spool
0084 ... TCP/IP

Have you ever used
0085 ... TPU?
0086 ... TECO?
0087 ... Emacs?
0088 ... ed?
0089 ... vi?
0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
0091 ... SOS?
0092 ... EDT?
0093 ... Wordstar?

0094 Have you ever written a CLIST?

Have you ever programmed in
0095 ... the X windowing system?
0096 ... CICS?

0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?

0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key?
0099 ... Was it the power switch?

Have you ever attended
0100 ... Usenix?
0101 ... DECUS?
0102 ... SHARE?
0103 ... SIGGRAPH?
0104 ... NetCon?

0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group?

0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone?

0107 Have you ever seen voice mail?
0108 ... Can you read it?

0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary?

0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test?
0111 ... Did you fail?

0112 Ever drop a card deck?
0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together?
0114 ... Without looking?

0115 Have you ever used IPCS?

0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer?

0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors?

0118 Ever interrupted a UPS?

0119 Ever mask an NMI?

0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system?
0121 ... Intentionally?
0122 ... Do you still work there?

0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch?
0124 ... Intentionally?

0125 Do you have any defunct documentation?
0126 ... Do you still read it?

0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program?
0128 ... Did you find bugs in it?

0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?

0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone?

0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high?

0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge?

0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software?
0134 ... Vice versa?

0135 Ever belong to a user/support group?

0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations?

0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper?
0138 ... Did you get away with it?

0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning?

0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language?

0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software?

0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test?

0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch?
0144 ... To bed?

0145 Ever patch a microcode bug?
0146 ... around a microcode bug?

0147 Can you program a Turing machine?

0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head?

0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head?

0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star?

0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers?

0152 Have you solved the halting problem?
0153 ... Correctly?

0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti?

0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program?

0156 Ever swapped out the swapper?

0157 Can you read a state diagram?
0158 ... Do you need one?

0159 Ever create an unkillable program?
0160 ... Intentionally?

0161 Ever been asked for a cookie?

0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper?

* Do you know...

0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue?
0164 ... Rogomatic?

0165 Do you know Gray code?

0166 Do you know what HCF means?
0167 ... Ever use it?
0168 ... Intentionally?

0169 Do you know what a lace card is?
0170 ... Ever make one?

0171 Do you know the end of the epoch?
0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch?
0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code?

0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE?

0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout?
0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking?

* Do you have...

0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars?
0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes?
0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary?
0180 ... Did you contribute to it?

0181 Do you have a flowchart template?
0182 ... Is it unused?

0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file?

0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook?
0185 ... Ever make anything from it?

0186 Do you own a modem?
0187 ... a terminal?
0188 ... a toy computer?
0189 ... a personal computer?
0190 ... a minicomputer?
0191 ... a mainframe?
0192 ... a supercomputer?
0193 ... a hypercube?
0194 ... a printer?
0195 ... a laser printer?
0196 ... a tape drive?
0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device?

0198 Do you have a programmable calculator?
0199 ... Is it RPN?

0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer?
0201 ... 4 computers?
0202 ... 16 computers?

0203 Do you have a SLIP line?
0204 ... a T1 line?

0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer?
0206 ... Is it legal?

0207 Do you have core memory?
0208 ... drum storage?
0209 ... bubble memory?

0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space?
0211 ... 256 megabytes?
0212 ... 1 gigabyte?
0213 ... 16 gigabytes?
0214 ... 256 gigabytes?
0215 ... 1 terabyte?

0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive?

0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library?
0218 ... Is it unlabelled?

0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks?
0220 ... 64 floppy disks?
0221 ... 256 floppy disks?
0222 ... 1024 floppy disks?

0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks?

0224 Do you have an internal stack?

0225 Do you have a clock interrupt?

0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_?
0227 ... Have you done all the exercises?
0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator?
0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes?

0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_?
0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project?

0232 Do you have a TTL handbook?

0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old?

* Career

0234 Do you have a job?
0235 ... Have you ever had a job?
0236 ... Was it computer-related?

0237 Do you work irregular hours?

0238 Have you ever been a system administrator?

0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks?

0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power?

0241 Is your job secure?
0242 ... Do you have code to prove it?

0243 Have you ever had a security clearance?

* Games

0244 Have you ever played Pong?

Have you ever played
0246 ... Spacewar?
0247 ... Star Trek?
0248 ... Wumpus?
0249 ... Lunar Lander?
0250 ... Empire?

Have you ever beaten
0251 ... Moria 4.8?
0252 ... Rogue 3.6?
0253 ... Rogue 5.3?
0254 ... Larn?
0255 ... Hack 1.0.3?
0256 ... Nethack 2.4?

0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic?

0258 Have you ever solved Adventure?
0259 ... Zork?

0260 Have you ever written any redcode?

0261 Have you ever written an adventure program?
0262 ... a real-time game?
0263 ... a multi-player game?
0264 ... a networked game?

0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza?

* Hardware

0266 Have you ever used a light pen?
0267 ... did you build it?

Have you ever used
0268 ... a teletype?
0269 ... a paper tape?
0270 ... a decwriter?
0271 ... a card reader/punch?
0272 ... a SOL?

Have you ever built
0273 ... an Altair?
0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer?

Do you know how to use
0275 ... an oscilliscope?
0276 ... a voltmeter?
0277 ... a frequency counter?
0278 ... a logic probe?
0279 ... a wirewrap tool?
0280 ... a soldering iron?
0281 ... a logic analyzer?

0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip?
0283 ... has it been fabricated?

0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board?

* Historical

0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel?
0286 ... from memory?

0287 Can you program an Eniac?

0288 Ever seen a 90 column card?

* IBM

0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep?
0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is?

0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams?

0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are?

0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive?
0294 ... off a card reader?

0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook?

* Languages

0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages?
0297 ... 8 languages?
0298 ... 16 languages?
0299 ... 32 languages?

0300 Have you ever designed a programming language?

0301 Do you know what Basic stands for?
0302 ... Pascal?

0303 Can you program in Basic?
0304 ... Do you admit it?

0305 Can you program in Cobol?
0306 ... Do you deny it?

0307 Do you know Pascal?
0308 ... Modula-2?
0309 ... Oberon?
0310 ... More that two Wirth languages?
0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke?

0312 Do you know Algol-60?
0313 ... Algol-W?
0314 ... Algol-68?
0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report?
0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars?

0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines?
0318 ... on 4 different machines?
0319 ... on 8 different machines?

Do you know
0320 ... APL?
0321 ... Ada?
0322 ... BCPL?
0323 ... C++?
0324 ... C?
0325 ... Comal?
0326 ... Eiffel?
0327 ... Forth?
0328 ... Fortran?
0329 ... Hypertalk?
0330 ... Icon?
0331 ... Lisp?
0332 ... Logo?
0333 ... MIIS?
0334 ... MUMPS?
0335 ... PL/I?
0336 ... Pilot?
0337 ... Plato?
0338 ... Prolog?
0339 ... RPG?
0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)?
0341 ... SETL?
0342 ... Smalltalk?
0343 ... Snobol?
0344 ... VHDL?
0345 ... any assembly language?

0346 Can you talk VT-100?
0347 ... Postscript?
0348 ... SMTP?
0349 ... UUCP?
0350 ... English?

* Micros

0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk?
0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme?

0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk?

0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk?

0355 Ever boot a naked floppy?

* Networking

0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once?

0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country?
0358 ... For any country?

0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug?
0360 ... Was it a security hole?

0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table?
0362 ... Are you up to date?

0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses?

0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart?
0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it?

0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file?
0367 ... Does it work?
0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep?

0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime?

* Operating systems

Can you use
0370 ... BSD Unix?
0371 ... non-BSD Unix?
0372 ... AIX
0373 ... VM/CMS?
0374 ... VMS?
0375 ... MVS?
0376 ... VSE?
0377 ... RSTS/E?
0378 ... CP/M?
0379 ... COS?
0380 ... NOS?
0381 ... CP-67?
0382 ... RT-11?
0383 ... MS-DOS?
0384 ... Finder?
0385 ... PRODOS?
0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80?
0387 ... Tops-10?
0388 ... Tops-20?
0389 ... OS-9?
0390 ... OS/2?
0391 ... AOS/VS?
0392 ... Multics?
0393 ... ITS?
0394 ... Vulcan?

0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive?
0396 ... Off a card reader/punch?
0397 ... Off a teletype?
0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk?

0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug?
0400 ... Did you exploit it?
0401 ... Did you report it?
0402 ... Was your report ignored?

0403 Have you ever crashed a machine?
0404 ... Intentionally?

* People

0405 Do you know any people?
0406 ... more than one?
0407 ... more than two?

* Personal

0408 Are your shoelaces untied?

0409 Do you interface well with strangers?

0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems
but unable to recite your own?

0411 Do you log in before breakfast?

0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day?

0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"?

0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual?
0415 ... *every* operating system manual?

0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment?

0417 Do you dream in any programming languages?

0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects?

0419 Do you ignore mice?

0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key?

0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants?

0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall?

0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards?
0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home?

0425 Have you ever seen the dawn?
0426 ... Twice in a row?

0427 Do you use "foobar" in daily conversation?
0428 ... "bletch"?

0429 Do you use the "P convention"?

0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM?
0431 ... Do you know what it means?

0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management?

0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office?

0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women?

0435 Is your license plate computer-related?

0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test?

0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience?

0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer?

0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer?

* Programming

0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler?
0441 ... In TECO?

0442 Can you read a machine dump?
0443 Can you disassemble code in your head?

Have you ever written
0444 ... a compiler?
0445 ... an operating system?
0446 ... a device driver?
0447 ... a text processor?
0448 ... a display hack?
0449 ... a database system?
0450 ... an expert system?
0451 ... an edge detector?
0452 ... a real-time control system?
0453 ... an accounting package?
0454 ... a virus?
0455 ... a prophylactic?

0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program?
0457 ... Did you sell the output?
0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented?

0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places?
0460 ... the number e?

0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits?

0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code?
0463 ... Are you proud of it?

0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time?
0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines?
0466 ... 100 lines?
0467 ... Was it in assembly language?
0468 ... Did it work the second time?

0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively?
0470 ... Non-recursively?
0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter?

0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest?
0473 ... Did it win?
0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule?

0475 Do you know Duff's device?

0476 Do you know Jensen's device?

0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error?
0478 ... More than an hour?
0479 ... More than a day?
0480 ... More than a week?
0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately?

* Unix

0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix?
0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix?

0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual?

0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation?

0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system?

0487 Have you ever built Minix?

0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly?
0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"?

* Usenet

0490 Do you read news?
0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups?
0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups?
0493 ... All the newsgroups?

0494 Have you ever posted an article?
0495 ... Do you post regularly?

0496 Have you ever posted a flame?
0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting?
0498 ... Ever flame a flame?
0499 ... Do you flame regularly?

0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup?

0501 Ever forge a posting?
0502 Ever form a new newsgroup?
0503 ... Does it still exist?

0504 Do you remember
0505 ... mod.ber?
0506 ... the Stupid People's Court?
0507 ... Bandy-grams?

* Phreaking

0508 Have you ever built a black box?

0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes?
0510 ... and their associated functions?

0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it?

0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you?