Where do the Deleted Characters Go?


QUESTION:
Where do the character go when I use the backspace or on my PC?

ANSWER:
If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending on
whom you ask:



1) The Catholic?s approach to characters:

The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The
characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles
are soothed, and there?s not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle
in sight. Most of the nice characters are A?s and I?s, those that
have never been -- er -- involved with other characters. Often,
you?ll see A?s or I?s with N?s or T?s. These are characters in love:
monogamous on the page, together again after deletion. You?ll see
quite a few Q?s too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no
good reason.

The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were
wondering what is the difference between a nice character and a
naughty character is, I?ll tell you. Naughty characters are those
involved in the creation of naughty words, such as, "breast," "sex,"
"objectivity," and depending upon usage, such words as, "feminism,"
"reproductive freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask,
and rightly so, why the characters are blamed for their own
configuration. But we feel that a character has an obligation to
oppose any naughtiness in its own configuration. If it truly felt
guilty about the word it was forming, it would rebel.

2) The Buddhist Explanation

If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it
has been deleted, it will be reincarnated as a different, higher
character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard
will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters
will become upper-case letters, and the most righteous and good of
letters will become C?s. Why C?s, you ask? Who knows, but C it is.
If a character?s karma is not so good, then it will move down the
above scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.

3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:

Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of
meaningless nothingness. It doesn?t really matter if they?re on the
page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It?s all the same. More
characters should delete themselves. (Nihilist characters are easy
to identify. They?re usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot)

4) The Mac User?s Explanation

All the characters written on a PC and then deleted and go straight to
PC hell. If you?re using a PC, you can probably see the deleted
characters, because you?re in PC hell also.

5) Stephen King?s Explanation

Every time you hit the key you unleash a tiny monster inside
the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds,
drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, Hah, Hah!

6) Dave Barry?s Explanation

The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where
they?re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are
so flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. I?m not
making any of this up.

7) IBM?s Explanation

The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they
are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

8) PETA?s Explanation

You?ve been DELETING them???? Can?t you hear them SCREAMING??? Why
don?t you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!

INTERNET woman: woman of difficult access.

SERVER woman: always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman: everyone knows that she can't do a
thing right, but none can live without her.

POWERPOINT woman: only Bill Gates has the will to use
her more than half an hour.

EXCEL woman: they say she can do a lot of things but
you mostly use her for your four basical needs.

WORD woman: she has always a surprise reserved for
you, but none in the world is able to fully understand
it.

DOS woman: everyone had her at least once, but none
wants her anymore.

BACKUP woman: you have always believed that she had
everything you need, but when the " X-hour" comes,
you find out that she has always missed something.

VIRUS woman: also known as " wife" ; when you are not
expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all
your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will
lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you
will lose everything.

SCANDISK woman: you know that she is good and that she
only wants to help you, but you never know what she is
really doing for that.

SCREENSAVER woman: she is not worth for anything, but
at least she is fun!

RAM woman: she forgets everything you say when you
disconnect her.

HARD-DISK woman: she remembers everythings, FOREVER.

MULTIMEDIA woman: she makes horrible things look
beutifull.

MICROSOFT woman: she wants to have the domination over
all the men she meets, and she tries to convince them
that this is the best thing for them. She will do her
best to make you fight against the other women and
promises you that you will have everything you want if
you will give her your address book. Before you will
find it out, she will be the only one in your life. It
will come the day you will need her permission to
open your refrigerator or to start your car.

PASSWORD woman: you believe to be the only one knowing
her, but in reality all the world does....

MP3 woman: everybody wants to take her...

MONITOR woman: She makes life looks more shining.

CD-ROM woman: she is always faster and faster.

DATAWAREHOUSING woman: she keeps you informed of
everything, except what you really want to know.

11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number Mhz required for the OS to run.
And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for..

(Drum roll please...)
1. The year it was *DUE* to ship.

Windows 76?
By Hans Brakob


Our founding fathers on PCs:

1776


Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential
hat we complete this Declaration of Independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.


Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has
everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication
problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy


Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.


Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online
just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our
document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating.

I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.


Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^^$# General Protection Fault!


Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that
problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended
Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled
candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an
active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!


Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker
recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please?
Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the
floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought
about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in
72-point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the
file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my
quill pen....

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say,
the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual
dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (Now I know why
they record these conversations)

"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it.

"Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!!"

A Few Words From Tech Support


Sound at all familiar??

1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error
messages from here.

2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
It's nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies
and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it
deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not
what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know
that you can't get into your mail because your computer
won't power on at all.

5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk.
We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

6. When tech support sends you an email with high
importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the
public groups.

7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in
and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer
question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret
out those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.

9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the
bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week,
record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you
send an email straight to the director because no one ever
returned your call. After all, you're entitled to common courtesy.

11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.

12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home,
call computer support. We can fix your line from here.

13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of,
call computer support. We're collectors.

14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on
a tech's chair with no name, no phone number and no
description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device
and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space,
delete everything in the Windows directory.
It's nothing but trouble anyway.

18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller
failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call
tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's
dead as a doornail.

19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through
changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually
mean for you to do anything.
We just love to hear ourselves talk.

20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly,
reply in a scathing tone of voice:
"And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
That'll get us going.

21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set
the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again
have to worry about people reading confidential files over
your shoulder.

22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade,
don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries,
send the job to all 68 printers in the building.
One of them is bound to work.

25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical.
We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

27. If you're taking night classes in computer science,
feel free to go around and update the network drivers
for your all your co-workers.
We're grateful for the overtime money.

28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's
checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate
in the top drawer, too.

29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter
past noon, eat your lunch in his face.
We function better when slightly dizzy.

30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your
friends from college and have your Daddy complain to
our boss when we won't let them use the scanner.
We had no friends when we were in college; that's why
we're such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.

32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new
software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business
what you've got on your computer.

33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin,
tell him you've never seen those before.
We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.

34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local
administrator's password to "blowjob" and promptly
forget it.
We like installing NT.

35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the
cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have
45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on
the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with
half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday,
shove it into any slot on the front of your computer.
We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.

38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on
that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't
sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank,
sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare
at him until he hangs up.
We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know
nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at
all hearing our area of professional expertise referred
to as crap.

41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech
support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it
be performed only by a professional engineer with a
master's degree in nuclear physics.

42. When you can't find someone in the government directory,
call tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.

43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet,
call tech support. We love to hack.

44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge
of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know
jack shit about the problem.

45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone
as a mail attachment.
We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze
a memo into the queue.

47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk,
exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?"
We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.

48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth
of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice:
"Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?"
That's another one that cracks us up no end.


49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet
on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to
the color printer. We get the black toner for free.

50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department.
People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.

51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday,
ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.

52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the
opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and
ask a computer question. We don't do dating; the reason
why we have that horny look on our faces is because we're
discussing the new Intel processor.

53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around
on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature
in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the
next major release.

54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's
machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive.
We know all that shit by heart.

55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college,
feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak.
We're good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him
come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office
computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of
Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.

57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at
the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find
the jumper settings on the Internet.

58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting
there and not doing anything. We're confident that with
the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.

59. The correct location to store important files is the
Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you
keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.

60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your
password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in
your face, disable the Virus Shield.
Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like
condoms, just don't use them, that's all.

61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of
those desktop enhancements that make your computer look
just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose
error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot
the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold
forbidding hexadecimal integer.

62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch
to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is
that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a
whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.

63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful
twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think
such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude
to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein,
without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold?
Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!

Y2K and Mickey Mouse

by Mike and Evan Morton
(to the tune of "The Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song")



What's the buzzword for the bug
That ends the century?
Y-2-K ! Y-2-K ! P-A-N-I-C!

Come along, and join the throng
and raid the grocery
D-I-S T-U-R B-A-N-C-E

Beans and rice and spam (and guns!)
Are all we need to be
S-U-R V-I-V A-L-I-S-T

Your box won't boot, so join the suit
against the industry:
M-A-L P-R-A C-T-I-C-E

What will work and what will crash?
It's all a mystery!
P-R-E D-I-C A-M-E-N-T

No more water, gas, or cash
or electricity
C-A-T A-S-T R-O-P-H-E

Life gets nasty, brutish, short
and poor as it can be
A-P-O C-A-L Y-P-T-I-C

Y2K (make a buck!), Y2K (make a buck!),
Watch how consulting fees are raised up high!
High! High! High!

How did this whole mess occur
and bring such misery?
P-R-O (oh, sure, two digits is enough)
G-R-A (airborne at midnight? good luck!)
M-M-I-N-G !

Y2K Hairspray

Imagine waking up on January 1, 2000, to find that not only does your
computer not work, but that your hairdo looks like something out of the
1900's. This could destroy your ability to work and cause serious personal
and financial upheaval. In order to avoid this potentially devastating
scenario, the Fetal Baboon company has developed a Y2K Hair Spray.

Andrei De'Ber, spokesman for Fetal Baboon, claims that their new Y2K Hair
Spray will "make sure that your hair is Y2K compliant." Said De'Ber, "Your
hair is incapable of telling what the date is. That is why there are still
some men and women who have outdated hairstyles from the late sixties and
early seventies. This has not been a problem because we are still in the
20th century. However, when we enter the 21st century men and women who have
non-Y2K compliant hairstyles could face serious troubles. If they don't do
something now then their lives could be like Armageddon."

Fetal Baboon's new Y2K Hair Spray will automatically 'download' a Y2K
compliant hair style by simply spraying the product on to your existing
hairdo. There is no mess and no worries. People who use this new Y2K Hair
Spray will have the ability to enter the millennium with confidence.

Y2K Hair Spray should be available in your local stores by mid-March.

Y to K Conversion


Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under
budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in
every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files,
including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to
reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed
the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all
changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new
standards:

January, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
October, November, December

and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this
Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a
global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.
And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which,
what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year
rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.

Y-Zero-K Problem


Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC



Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to
AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I
don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start
thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of
it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't
done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said
he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he
simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as
usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not
have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will
make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that
all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to
take out loans. Its an ill wind ......

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing
upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who
have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive
until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at
the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to
run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of
life.

Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K
problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius