Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road: A
Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they
come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the
night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.
The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb his sleep or the
animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals.
Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if
he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows
next to him. The farmer says it's OK and lets him in.
In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmer's door and
asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs
next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside.
Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by
this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs...

A Sardar is travelling in a DTC bus in Delhi. It's a busy day and our
Sardarji is roughing it out, standing up in the aisle and all. In his right hand
is his briefcase (which appears to contain some valuables), with his left
he is grabbing on to the railing for dear life.
The conductor approaches him for a ticket. The Sardar who doesn't have a free
hand to pull out his wallet gives the conductor a helpless look. The conductor
reaches out for the Sardar's briefcase in an effort to help him out.
"nahin! tum upar pakdo" says the Sardar clutching onto his
briefcase.

The world's most avid hockey fan, a beautiful sardarni, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local
rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home.
Not wanting to miss any of the match, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a
few feet from the booth when a voice called out, 'Hey, Jasmeet!'
She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice - with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the
line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, 'Hey,
jasmeet!' Again she tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking
for the owner of the voice. 
But no luck. She was very upset as she got back in line for her ticket. 
Finally she had her ticket and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for it to start, she heard the voice calling, 'Hey,Jasmeet!' once more. 
Furious, she stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs, 'My name isn't
Jasmeet!'

Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." 
Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, "OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?" 
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." 
So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure
enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" 
Although impressed, Santa's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Santa that
he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. 
"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says. 
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. 
"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington." 
And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." 
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Santa, who again implores him to name anyone else.  
"The Pope," his boss replies.  
"Sure!" says Santa. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." 
So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Santa says, "This will never
work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out
on the balcony with the Pope." 
And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa emerges
with the Pope on the balcony. 
By the time Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  
Working his way to his boss' side, Santa asks, "What happened?" 
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the
balcony with Santa Singh?" 

Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle
and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly
exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely
dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a
Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first
time in English:

ARTICLE I:
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II:
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system.
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order,
give way to:

Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light
trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters,
auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying),
handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III:
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to
slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the
Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV:
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV,1,a-c):

Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs,
rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck:
"I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both
die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights
(frantic).
Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of
India's870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in
the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)"
or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight
of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I
could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.


Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in
Article II above.
ARTICLE V:
All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the
last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI:
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear
garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII:

Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic
from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1):
All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of
travel shall occupy the center of the road.


ARTICLE VIII:
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the
middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other
impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX:
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake
every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken
you.
Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in
the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle
of villages/city centers. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle
and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or
pedestrians.
ARTICLE X:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI:
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse
gear.

"Good morning, bapu and bibi jis. This is your very handsome captain
welcoming you to Ranj-Jet Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but
I had to do some overtime at the bakery.
This is the ek, dho, five, sex flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that
we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And
if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real Punjabi
will land where he wants to, isn't that right brothers!
Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem
because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm.
For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and
after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe
even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that
over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who
don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling the
next-of-kin. If, however, you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to
tell you about our out of court settlements.
We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a
surviving one! If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn
them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary chaa
during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who
can help you find out if there really is a God!
Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to
record it off the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will
be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through the
window.
Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the
flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It
is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we
are very advanced at Ranj-Jet Airways. Not only do we provide you with a life
jacket but we also give a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming
kacha to the uncles!
Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Ranj-Jet
Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view.
If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot
sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White
House, well it is the same bloke!
Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't
find a belt please tie your nala to the door handle. And for those of you who
can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my
nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock
pit. Thank you for choosing Ranj-Jet Airways. We guarantee that we may not
always take you on a flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!"

A Desi chap was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he wanted.
But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go
alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to
her. 
HE WROTE : 

Most worthy of your estimation
after a long consideration
and much mediation. 
I have a strong indication 
to become your relation. 
As to my educational qualification, 
it is no exaggeration or fabrication 
that I have passed my matriculation examination; 
no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation. 
What do you say to the solemnization 
of our marriage celebration 
according to the glorification of modern civilization 
and with a view to the expansion of the population of present
generation. 
On your approbation of the application, 
I shall make preparation to improve my situation, 
and if such obligation is worthy of consideration 
it will be our argumentation of the joy and 
exaltation of our joint dissimilation. 
Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion, 
To remain victim of your fascination. 

SHE WROTE : 

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination, 
Congratulation for your lengthy narration 
of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation 
for a combination which on examination 
I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. 
You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, 
what about my graduation after a long botheration, 
so improve situation in education 
and make an application by acquisition 
of post graduation and minimum qualification 
for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation 
undergo beautification. 
Further strict observation of the following conditions is the 
regulation for the determination of our relation. 
1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection. 
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any
fascination and, 
3. Procreation must not be your recreation. 
In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper
conversation. 
I Remain, 
Unaffected by your affection.

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of
Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not
find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a
silent corner of a clean street to release himself. 
As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official
approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?" 
Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee" 
Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me." 
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass,
flowers and singing birds around. 
Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day". 
Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this
Indian courtesy?"
Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." 
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. 
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on,
Saiheeb." 
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. 
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!

Herolal is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he
spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.  He pulls the
car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing.
Herolal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him,
"Excuse me, what are you doing?"
Bhola replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks Herolal, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."