For long, India's colonial rulers divided the country's population by the numbers. And as current-day politicians continue with that
unholy task, we present a shortcut to make their work easier. Here's distinguishing India's different cultures by the numbers: 
MALAYALEES 
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop. 
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket. 
Four Malayalees is an oilslick. 
TAMILIANS 
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler. 
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad. 
Three Tamilians is a classical music school. 
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club. 
ANDHRAITES 
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver. 
Two Andhraites is a spice shop. 
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit. 
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry. 
BENGALIS 
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop. 
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie. 
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group. 
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement. 
RAJASTHANIS 
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller. 
Two Rajasthanis is a mason. 
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show. 
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama. 
GOANS 
One Goan is Remo Fernandes. 
Two Goans is a Feni distillery. 
Three Goans is a football club. 
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party. 
MANGALOREANS 
One Mangalorean is a supari seller. 
Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another. 
Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant. 
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha. 
BOMBAYITES 
One Bombayite is a hawker. 
Two Bombayites is a film industry. 
Three Bombayites is a slum. 
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd. 
MAHARASHTRIANS 
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor. 
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match. 
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession. 
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha. 
GUJARATIS 
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train. 
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train. 
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train. 
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
KUTCHIES 
One Kutchi is a kirana shop. 
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop. 
Three Kutchis is a saree shop. 
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade. 
SARDARJIS 
One Sardarji is a truck-driver. 
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba. 
Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit. 
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes. 
SINDHIS 
One Sindhi is a currency racket. 
Two Sindhis is a papad factory. 
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop. 
Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around (yeech!). 
BIHARIS 
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav. 
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad. 
Three Biharis is a caste killing. 
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state. 
BHAIYYAS 
One Bhaiyya is a milkman. 
Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala). 
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad. 
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop. 
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family). 
KASHMIRIS 
One Kashmiri is a boatman. 
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory. 
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency. 
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit. 
KANNADIGAS 
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate. 
Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant. 
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factor. 
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad. 
PUNJABIS 
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week. 
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night. 
Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight. 
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight. 
PARSIS 
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC's and MC's. 
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer. 
Three Parsis is a 75 year old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population. 
PAKISTANIS 
One Pakistani is one too many.............

When the antenna of my small television in India broke, I looked up the
relevant part's number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to them
asking for a replacement. 
When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699
when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their
Public Relations Dept. 
Their reply: Turn it upside-down.

A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had
students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After
several grueling classes on Theory came the final and decisive class of all, a
practical demo.
The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and
entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase.
Owner : Who's that?
Master: Miaooow...
The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.
The Sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar
class for his fellow Sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory
classes.
Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich Sardar in
darkness, and tells the other Sardars, " These are the various steps for
stealing. You just observe. " Firstly, he goes and overturns a vase.
Owner : Koun Hai ? ( Who's that ? )
Sardar : Mai Billi . ( I am the cat.)
Owner : Oh, Billi ( Oh. Cat.) and goes back to sleep.

Want to propose a girl
Just do it - Nike
Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best - BPL.
If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo - Vicks.
If you are going to propose to a girl
Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.
If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy - Limca.
Girl says NO !
Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.
Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do - Daewoo.
If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.
If you love someone
Go get it - Visa power.
Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.
Not satisfied with your date
Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.
A guy having a number of girl friends
The Complete Man - Raymonds.
A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.
For those lost in love
Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.
For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one
Dhoondte rehe jayo ge - Surf Exel

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened.  Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.  
The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

Santa Singh and Banta Singh are sitting in a bar sipping Black Label Johnny
walker when Banta Singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a
corner. As he was getting up to talk to her. 
Bar Tender said "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!
". 
Banta Singh "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them" and he
stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping
forward in a very sexy voice he said "Where exactly in Lesbia, you
from?"

A well dressed man was having a dinner in "Kake Da Hotel". After he
finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands with table and chair. The
owner saw him and got real angry and asked, "Have you had dinner in some
nice hotel before?" 
Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel." 
Owner: "There also, you washed your hands with table and
chair?" 
Man: "Yes, I did." 
Owner: "Nobody told you anything!" 
Man: "They kicked me and said 'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Kake Da
Hotel mae jake khana khaa'.

A Sikh was on his way to Khalsa Club when he
decided to take a short-cut through somebody's garden. The owner comes out
angrily: 
Owner: Hey, do you know you are trespassing? 
Sikh: No, I'm Jaspar Singh. 

An Indian who just came from India walks into a hardware store and asks to
see the chain saws. Picking up one, he asked the store clerk, "How many
trees will this one cut in an hour?" 
"Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour,"
replied the clerk.
 "What about this one?" asked the Indian. The clerk
replied, 
"That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten trees." 
"And this one?" asked the Indian. 
"That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an
hour," said the clerk 
"I'll take it!" said the Indian. Two days later, the Indian returns
to the store and angrily states, "Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only
cut three trees in one hour with it!" 
The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best chainsaw
we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out." The clerk pulled on the
starter rope and the saw immediately activated with a loud roar. 
'Hey," said the Indian, "what's that noise?"

If the Titanic was made in India:
10) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.
9) There has to be a song with a girl wearing a white dress, singing in the
rain.
8) By the end of the movie he finds his mom, dad, sister and brother.
7) It's seven and half-hours long.
6) The movie would be called "Doobta Hua Pyar".
5) Kate Winslet played by Madhuri Dixit, and Leonard Di' Caprio played by Salman
Khan.
4) The boat would sink, because there are too many people on it.
3) None of the people would float for long cause of the saris.
2) They would be serving mango fruity on the boat.
1) Wait a minute it was an Indian movie if you think abou  it.
AND
Can you imagine how many times we would hear "Bachaoooo"!!!
PS: The hero, heroine, his mom, dad, sister and brother will float in the cold
water for days and yet survive. The villain will drown in the first drops of
water.