Electricution

Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste.

Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

Treating burns and scalds

Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this).

If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

Fractures and broken limbs

Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them.

Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier.

Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food

Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however.

Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Cuts And Wounds

Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke.

Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Objects Stuck In The Eye

Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

Conclussion

When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the victims score and send it to me at this address:

Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345,
the highest score wins a mystery prize.

Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something.

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back
in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away
that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the
directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he
abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that
the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist
had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Here is a little something for first year students or those wishing to enter.
It was originally published under another name. Hope this helps.

Dont ask me but somehow I received your message about Medical School. I am
just starting my 3rd year clerkships as a medical student at LSU in New
Orleans, LA. There are a few things I would like to tell you before you start
medical school....and, of course, these are only my opinions and may not
represent the opinions of anyone else in this entire world....so take it with
a grain of salt.

01 - Everyone, including my doctor, told me to get the hell out of medicine
before I got in.
02 - I busted my ass in high school, college, etc...to get to med school.
03 - Once in medical school, what you did to get you there no longer matters.
04 - Be prepared to study....then study somemore, and then a little more...
and then be prepared to not do well on the test.
05 - Be prepared to accept the reality that you may be an idiot (this came
as a shock to me).
06 - Be thankful that everyone else in your class is also an idiot and no
one expects you to know everything all at once, and for every test.
07 - Realize that getting ahead in med school means making lots of
friends ... those who step on toes to get to the top are quickly
shunned by the rest of the class. This is very bad since people
tend to get a hold of old tests, helpful hints, book
recommendations, etc..that will be of great benefit to you. If you
are the smartest person in the class...dont try to show off and be
cocky. There will be plenty of opportunities for people to
undermine you if they decide they dont like your attitude. In
short, have fun, be nice....make sure you are likable to a large
number of people.
08 - No one can go through medical school 8 times, so dont be such a "pal"
that you end up doing extra work (typing a review sheet, for
example) for your friends while they are out having a good time.
09 - For me, the first year was NOT the hardest. This is b/c I was used
to busting my ass to get into medical school that I never slowed
down. For some, it is the "wake up call" if you never studied in
college.
10 - The second year IS the hardest, its survival of the fittest. They
want you to know everything about everything, and some more in
between. People quit after every exam.
11 - Once thru your second year, the rest is cheesecake. You dress like
a doctor, work like a doctor, and hopefully start acting like a
doctor.
12 - Once thru your second year, you realize the first 2 were bullshit and
you know nothing and can't remember the rest.
13 - Its relatively easy to PASS medical school, it requires more
dedication than genius to get a High Pass, and a mixture of both to
Honor.
14 - Remember that P=MD (meaning that if you PASS you will become a
doctor). Also, remember that P is not equal to ENT, SURGERY,
OBGYN, DERMATOLOGY, etc...so basically, everyone who graduates is a
doctor, but not everyone who graduates is the doctor they may want
to be.
15 - In the middle of the second year, they could not pay you enough to
be a doctor.
16 - In the middle of the second year, you cant afford to quit b/c you now
have a huge loan to pay back.
17 - The best years of your life are while you are in medical school.
18 - The worst years of your life are while you are in medical school.
19 - Dating in medical school is close to impossible. If you can find
someone who understands your language, your schedule, your attitude,
your financial situation...marry them first, ask questions later.
20 - Sleeping/eating right become luxuries in medical school.
21 - Noone will ever understand your schedule or what the hell you are
doing (eg why you have to study 2 weeks before a test).
22 - You will have to study 2 weeks for a test.
23 - You will have to learn to budget your time wisely if you want to ever
have a life. Same goes for your money.
24 - Some people go out every night and do exceptionally well in medical
school...if this is you...great. If this is not you...Sorry.
25 - Some people bust their ass every day and fail medical school...hope this
is not you.
26 - The person who finds the best balance between study, social, family,
friends, entertainment will make the best of medical school.
27 - The ass who always aces every test and never studies is everyone in
medical school BUT you.
28 - The fact that you can dissect a rat in college has no bearing on your
performance in medical school.
29 - The fact that your favorite class in college is Biology is unique
b/c the smartest people in medical school today are NOT biology
majors and, in fact, have never taken such a class.
30 - The fact that you have taken such classes will help in the first year,
and give you more time for other things while your classmates are
"learning how to use the microscope".
31 - If a histology class is offered at your school, take it..take it
again...teach it...learn to love it. You can essentially SKIP your
medical school histology class if you know it well enough.
32 - You may have thought that all the BULLSHIT classes you took in high
school/college would come to an end when you got to medical
school ... sorry...they are still there.
33 - You wont believe the amount of information they want you to know.
34 - You wont believe the amount of information you can forget.
35 - Old tests can save your ass...they can also sink you if you just
memorize answers.
36 - You will have to rearrange your life, study habits, friendships
around being a student. No one will understand that you need to
study so much, for so long. I study at least 10 hours a day, every
day. I usually take a day off. Some people dont..thats just me.
I also am not at the top of my class. You have to find your
balance/grade tradeoff/relationship breaker time periods for
studying.
37 - Drugs are bad, dont do drugs. If you need help staying awake, you are
too tired to study..go to sleep.
38 - Your friends, collegues, will do drugs and make A's. Hopefully, life
will weed them out. Until then, be cool and realize that maybe
making C's is your maximum performance level.
39 - Dont neglect friends/family/pets - they are good for fun/meals/etc.
They can also be a drag (Come out with us, you can study tomorrow).
You need to have a long talk with these people if you do get into
medical school.
40 - To the rest of the world, you are not a doctor until you graduate the
4th year. To your family, you are a doctor two weeks before you
start your first year. If ever asked any medical questions, follow
your answer with a disclaimer (....but I would go to your doctor if
you are worried about it because I don't really know). Be careful
what you say, because people are listening.
41 - Never listen to a previous medical students advice on medical school.
They have been run though the meat grinder and couldnt think of
putting anyone else thru such torture. They tend to leave out the
good stuff like parties, good friends, fun memories, their first
patient contact, someone calling you DOC, getting to wear a white
coat, and knowing what the hell is going on during ER.

In summary, if you are not sure you want to be a doctor...be very sure you want
to be a doctor before you come to medical school. That bullshit about "helping
people" will get you nowhere your first 2 years. We are all in medical school
because we want to "help people" but this alone will not get you an MD. You need
to be dedicated to yourself, your studies, your talents, and your life as a whole
just to get thru the first 2 years. Any outside pressures you have will burst
while you are in school so be prepared to handle that before you get here. We
are not special in any way, we are not geniuses, but, we are willing to work
hard...and that, my friend, is what will make you successful in medical school.


Good Luck.

Americans are obsessed with their health. If you eat right, quit
smoking, exercise a lot, you won't have heart attacks, get cancer, and
live well into your 90's. It is, one should think, theoretically
possible to live forever... if you live right.

The problem is that all this attention to diet and exercise doesn't
eliminate all the risks of mortality.

The medical staff at the General Delivery University has compiled a list
of things to do or not do that will significantly increase your life
span.

AVOID LIGHTNING: A person has a better chance of being killed by
lightning, than many other risks. Stay inside, or in your car, when
lightning is near.

DON'T PLAY GOLF DURING THUNDERSTORMS: Many lightning victims are killed
on golf courses. It is safer to stay in the country club bar and drink
than to go out on the course during a thunderstorm.

DON'T GET STUCK WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS: Trains carry all kinds of
nasty toxic chemicals. Should a train derail and you are too close, you
could be toast. Avoid getting near trains.

AVOID PEANUT BUTTER: It is a little known fact that eating one peanut
butter sandwich carries more risk of fatal consequences than drinking
water with 5 parts per billion TCE in it for 70 years.

AVOID METEOR SHOWERS: In the same probability range of dying from
cancer caused by drinking water with TCE in it at federal drinking water
quality standards as getting hit by a meteorite. Stay inside during
meteor showers.

DON'T DRIVE: Over 50,000 Americans are killed annually in automobile
accidents. If you don't even get into a car, you significantly improve
your chances of eternal life.

DON'T FLY: While it is well-known that it is much safer to fly than to
drive, why take any chances?

AVOID IMMERSING YOURSELF IN WATER: Hundreds of people drown every
year. Don't go into the water. Not even to bathe.

DRINK THE WATER: Oddly enough, one of the safer things you can do in
America is drink tap water.

STAY INSIDE DURING THE DAY: Skin cancer is becoming a major health
risk. Caused by exposure to sunlight, the best solution is to stay
inside during daylight hours.

CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR RADON: Obviously, staying inside your home as much
as possible is a safe bet -- as long as your home isn't filled with
radon gas.

NO CONTACT WITH ELECTRICITY: Many people are electrocuted in stupid
accidents while trying to do routine things like fix a broken light
switch. Turn off your electricity permanently, and there won't be any
risk.

GET RID OF YOUR GUNS: More Americans are shot by their own guns than by
guns owned by strangers. A gunless home is a safer home.

NO NATURAL GAS OR FOSSIL FUEL HEATING OR COOKING SYSTEMS: People
accidentally asphyxiate themselves every year by forgetting to turn of
gas appliances, or because of improperly vented heating systems. You'll
have to cook over a fire, and it'll be cold in the winter, but heck --
people survived for millions of years without stoves or central
heating. It is best to build your cooking fires outside, otherwise you
could get lung cancer from the woodsmoke.

EMPTY OUT YOUR HOME: Many fatalities are caused by home accidents --
such as falling off a ladder or tripping over a rug. Get rid of all
your furniture, rugs and appliances. An empty house is a safe house.

EAT ONLY NATURAL FOODS: Grow your own vegetables, and hunt for your own
meat. Many backyards have abundant quantities of small animals and
birds to hunt.

DRESS IN NATURAL FIBERS AND FUR: While it may not be politically
correct to kill animals for their fur, there is an underutilized supply
of dog and cat pelts available from your local animal shelter.
Functional garments can also be created from straw and cardboard.

MINIMIZE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS: It is a well-known fact that many
fatal diseases are passed from one stranger to another in public places.

INCREASE YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: If you follow the previous
suggestions, you will undoubtedly work a lot harder, cutting your own
fire wood, hunting rodents and sparrows with rocks, and hiding from
storms.

CONCLUSION: While your lifestyle may end up resembling that of a cave
person, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done
everything possible to live forever, and, as a bonus, you will no longer
be contributing to global warming, and you will be living in harmony
with the natural environment.

Living in Cages Linked to Cancer in Laboratory Rats
by Brett K. Carver


AP -- The federal government today released the findings of a four year
study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing
cancer in laboratory rats.

The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when
all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.

Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the
possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of
colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force
fed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of
popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount. The control group
consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all
known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed
cancer within six months."

Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control
rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test
group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty
good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time."

Mr. Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results
being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He
responded: "Yeah, we had a scientist at the lab ask that once. We had
to let him go though when we found out he was a member of the Audubon
Society; you know, conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker,
always asking questions like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give
anyone cancer?' We just didn't need that kind of a negative influence.
The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of
fool questions."

When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr.
Smith replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if
it's been the cages all along, this could mean that things like
asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!"

Mr. Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to
recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This
says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted
cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend
extended periods inside the animal's cages."

When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr. Smith
responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there.
Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and
living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things
we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the
middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer.
You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent
the control rats from breathing so as not to invalidate the results by
having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats."

When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied:
"Huh, what? You talking to me?"

A man goes to consult a famous specialist about his medical problem.

"How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is fifty ruples," replies the physician.

"Fifty ruples? That's impossible."

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to
thirty ruples."

"Thirty ruples for one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford twenty ruples?"

"Who has so much money?"

"Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me five ruples
and be gone."

"I can give you two ruples." says the man. "Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor."Why did you come to the most
expensive doctor in Warsaw?"

"Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health, nothing
is too expensive."

Memorandum

To: All Hospital Employees

From: Administration

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security.
Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12
rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the
similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now
assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements
with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation
facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available
in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient
may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of
motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory
patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients
for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those
registered.

Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a
Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is
suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater,
or leaf blower.

Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the
Time-Life series of "How to..." maintenance books. These books may be
checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment
will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at
a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring.
If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as
possible until that particular volume arrives.

Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2)
X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time
required by the local Photmat. Two prints will be provided for the price
of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday
paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors
coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come
across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to
the Emergency Room.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric
Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room
so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families,
patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will,
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital's
formulary.

Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface,
the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this
latest cost cutting measures.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- World Health Organization officials expressed
disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous
efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals
worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.
Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life
functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health
concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities
worldwide, the condition has no cure.

"I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments,
rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might
at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst
Bladt said. "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains
constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time."

Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive
failure on the part of the planet's health care workers. "The inability
of doctors and scientists to adequately address this issue of death is
nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Gretto said. "Do
you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like? Well, I
do, and believe me, it's not pretty. In prolonged cases, total
decomposition of the corpse is the result." "What about the children?"
the visibly moved Gretto added.

"At this early date, I don't want to start making broad
generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it is
beginning to seem possible that birth -- as well as the subsequent life
cycle that follows it -- may be a serious safety risk for all those
involved." Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the
non-dead as well. "Those who suffer from death can be highly
traumatized by it, often so severely that it kills them," noted
therapist Eli Wasserbaum said. "But it can also be very traumatic for
the still-living who are left behind. The sudden cessation of metabolic
activity characteristic of terminal cases of death often leaves the dead
person in a position where they are unable to adequately provide for the
emotional needs of their loved ones." In the most serious cases of
death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma inflicted upon these
still-living victims of death may continue throughout their entire
lives, until their own deaths. "Thus," Wasserbaum said, "the vicious
cycle" of death trauma continues indefinitely."

"Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but
nobody seems to actually seems to doing anything about it. I propose we
stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar
hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge profits
from it." Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld
from the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking
down on death."

Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader
agreed with Domenici. "Why should we continue to spend billions of
dollars a year on a health care industry whose sole purpose is to
prevent death, only to find, once again, that death awaits us all?"
Nader said in an impassioned address to several suburban Californians.
"That's called a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not
fair. Its time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the
so-called 'medical health professionals' and said: 'Enough is enough.
I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"

Recent surveys reveal that Americans fear opening their mouths in the
dentist's office even more than they fear Dan Quayle opening his. Apparently
we have this peculiar aversion to having needles and drills chip through our
teeth and into our oral nerves--boy, what a bunch of weak citizens we've
become, probably due to the effects of El Nino.

My own dentist, kindly Dr. Hannibal Lecter, lets me know that I'm due for an
appointment by sending me a postcard with puppies on it. This strikes me as
something akin to false advertising--if he wants to let me know what's
coming, why doesn't he send the shower scene from Psycho? Puppies are cute-
-in my whole life, I've never heard anyone describe getting a root canal as
a "cute" experience.

Now, don't get the idea from this that I don't practice dental hygiene. I
floss on a regular basis--just not in my mouth. And I brush daily with my
son's Godzilla toothpaste ("Now with more sugar!" it says on the tube.) I
just hate discussing baseball with a sadist while a conduit hooked into my
mouth sucks every drop of liquid from my body. So usually I procrastinate
for a few months until the miniature time bomb he implanted in my jaw on my
last visit explodes in a blast of oral agony. Because it is an emergency,
I am put right through to a recording, and within a couple of weeks I'm in
his office.

"Mr. Cameron," kindly Dr. Lecter advises me on this visit, frowning with
concern. "I've discovered the source of your pain."

"Like, my mouth?" I suggest. Maybe I should be a dentist. Do you have to
take a test or something?

"Your wisdom teeth," he says. He shows me an x-ray of my mouth, pointing
out the grassy knoll and the book depository. Toward the back of my jaw a
couple of teeth look like they have gotten drunk and fallen over.

"Is this bad news?" I ask.

He sighs. "Well, it means I'll be able to afford that new bass boat I've
been looking at. For you, it means the teeth will have to come out."

Okay: not so bad. I've lost teeth before, and even had something of a
cottage industry for a while selling them to the tooth fairy, who turns out
to be my father, of all people. Here you go most of your childhood thinking
your dad is a gynecologist and then you see him sneaking into your sister's
room to take her molar and leave a quarter. I remember when my friend Tommy
lost two of his teeth when he put his mouth right where I was throwing a
baseball--what an idiot. Anyway, I lay in bed that night giggling over the
idea of my father sneaking in to put money under Tommy's pillow. The next
morning, when I innocently asked my dad how Tommy was doing, he pretended
not to understand what I was talking about.

According to kindly Dr. Lecter, even though we humans have no extra fingers
or extra heads or anything, our jaws are riddled with superfluous teeth
which have nowhere to go. Apparently when God created oral surgeons he
wanted to make sure they would be able to afford luxury cars. "Look,
they're impacted," he tells me in a stern tone, like my wisdom teeth are a
couple of pet dogs that got into the neighbor's trash or something.
"Impacted" means that instead of popping up straight, my wisdom teeth are
trying to escape by tunneling out the side of my jaw. Another decade or so
and I will be able to chew gum with my ears.

"We'll have to make an incision here," Lecter intones, drawing his finger
across the x-ray image of my wisdom teeth. They look like toppled
headstones. "Then I'll apply extreme torture to the entire area."

"Why do they call them wisdom teeth if all they are good for is oral surgery
?" I complain bitterly. "They should call them stupid teeth."

"We'll do the surgery on a Friday, so that when you run out of pain pills on
Sunday I will be unavailable. I'll give you a special anesthetic so that
you'll be nauseated during the operation," Lecter continues, running through
the standard instructions for a patient. "Don't eat anything for 24 hours
before you come in--I want you to get started on being miserable."

"Hey, you must think I'm pretty stupid," I rinse and spit angrily. "For the
past 10 years you've been aiming this cone shaped device right at my mouth
in EXACTLY the spot where you say my teeth have become impacted. Do you
think maybe there is a connection?"

"Yes, I think you're pretty stupid," he concedes.

We agree that he needs time to pick out the particular boat that he wants,
so we schedule the surgery for next month. As I leave I catch sight of
myself in the mirror and wonder what I would look like with teeth jutting
out of the side of my face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

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