Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?"

The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless
lives."

"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."

Saint Peter then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"

The second answers, "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and
old alike. I made them well again."

"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."

Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"

The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped pay for thousands to receive
medical care."

"Okay," replies Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half."

2000 BC - These voices are the gods and the spirits of humans. You
are blessed.

0 AD - These voices are of God, you are His son.

400-1200 AD - These are the voices of the Devil, you are Cursed you
must die.

1350-1500 AD - These are voices of the Saints, liberate us.

1600-1750 AD (esp. US) - These are voices of the Devil and of witches.
You are a witch. You must burn.

1800-1990's AD - These voices are your SuperEgo, your Ego, and your
Id. You are insane. You must be locked up.

2000 AD - These voices are the gods and the spirits of humans. You
are blessed.

Years ago most hospitals were known for their "TLC" (Tender
Loving Care). Well, I guess most still are, except now, TLC
means Take Lottsa Cash.



My sister-in-law, Clara, wanted to see if she could get some
information on my condition after I had had a mild heart attack.
She asked the duty Nurse if I was making any progress.
"Not in the least." the Nurse replied, "He's not my type."
- - - - -


When I was in Howard County General I kind-of took-up a habit
of flirting with this one particular lil' Nurse. One morning I
told her I wished I could stay longer as I enjoyed our banter.
She said, "You may just get your wish. My boyfriend, the Ward
Doctor, heard you flirting with me yesterday."



Mrs JimJr kept her sense of humor while she was in the hospital
for a very serious condition. She could only be fed intravenously,
which isn't very pleasant at all. She asked the Nurse if she could
have a couple of extra bottles this one day. The Nurse asked her
"Whatever for ?" She kinda giggled and said, "I'm having people
over for lunch."



At a Prima Care Clinic in Wylie Texas, an older woman found one
reason or another to visit daily. She had few friends and liked
to chat with the Doctors and Nurses. They in turn treated all
of her medical complaints with seeming concern and compassion.
Showing up one afternoon, after being absent for over a week,
a Nurse asked her why she hadn't been there in so long.
The lady responded, "I've been sick all week."

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press. No one will answer.

The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class
asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
insurance company."

I am one of those people for whom the mention of a disease is the same as a
diagnosis. This is particularly true when those public service messages
come on the radio, listing the 14 signs of edema--invariably, I have all 14
symptoms. Like this:

Public Service Announcer: "Do you have skull apathy? Skull apathy
afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests and
then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these symptoms:

"Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as
pulsating colors or bird whistles?"

(Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that
is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny
bend in one of his legs.)

"Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his
lips?"

(Yes!)

"Do you think you are like everyone else?"

(Doesn't everybody?)

"Do you have trouble booting Windows 95?"

(Yes!)

"Do flames shoot out of your eyes when you are driving at night?"

(Yes! Well, sort of.)

"Are you troubled by cold sheets, swooping bats, percussion grenades?"

(Yes Yes Yes!)

"Did you cry at the movie Titanic, even though there were other guys in the
theater?"

(Yes! Hey wait, I didn't say that.)

"If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably too late to
see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma somewhere after the
third question. Have a nice day."

Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I zoom
home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring the
receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I have
insurance.

"This is Doctor Spleensplitter."

"Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you answered the
phone."

"Oh, I'm... I believe I picked up the wrong line."

"Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull apathy,
plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me!"

"Skull apathy?"

"Yes."

"What sort of symptoms are you experiencing, Mr. Cameron?"

"Well, I have this mole shaped like a moose, only lately it looks like it
has developed a limp."

"Well then. Maybe you should see a veterinarian."

"Plus, I sometimes see Al Gore using Windows 95 without moving his lips!"

"Mr. Cameron..."

"I need some of those same pills you gave me last time."

"Mr. Cameron, those were placeboes."

"Yes, that's what I need, more placeboes! Only more powerful ones."

"More powerful placeboes."

"Yes!"

"Mr. Cameron, may I ask you a very important question?"

"Yes, I have insurance."

"No, not that. I was reviewing your file the other day..."

"You were? Why, do you suspect I've got something even more serious than
skull apathy?"

"No, actually, it's because our staff requested a whole new filing cabinet
to put it in, and I wanted to see if there was anything in there we could
throw out. Mr. Cameron, do you realize you've complained of nearly every
malady known to man?"

"I have?"

"Plus some I'd never heard of before. Wake Apnea. Sudden Shower Syndrome.
Reverse Appendicitis. And now this new one..."

"Skull apathy?"

"Precisely. Mr. Cameron, has anyone ever suggested to you that you might
be suffering a bit of hypochondria?"

"Hypochondria? Is it serious? What are the symptoms? Tell me straight,
doc, how much time have I got?"

"No, it isn't serious at all. In fact, a lot of people have it, in some
form or another."

"So I caught it from somebody else?"

"Mr. Cameron, hypochondria is merely a term for people who worry
obsessively that they may have some disease or affliction."

"Well, I am worried! I'm worried I might have hypochondria! Are there any
placeboes that can be used to cure it?"

"You're not understanding me, Mr. Cameron. It isn't a real disease."

"You mean I'm sick with something FAKE?" This opens up a whole new realm
of doom that I hadn't even contemplated before. I swallow, feeling the
first trickle of a whole host of phony symptoms. "What's next, a CAT scan?
An MRI? Should I have my internal organs removed? Doc, I'm too young to
have hypochondria. I was just beginning to live life to the fullest!"
Well, maybe not to the fullest, but I had just purchased fresh batteries
for the TV remote and was looking forward to a night of crisp channel
changes. Now it seems pointless, somehow.

"Mr. Cameron, I'm afraid I'm not making myself clear, here. There's
nothing really wrong with you. You just have a morbid obsession."

He thinks he is fooling me, with his medical jargon, but I know what
morbidity is. From the Greek word "Mortimer," which means death.
Mortician. Post Mortem. Today I mort, yesterday I morted, tomorrow I will
have mortalized. Tomorrow.

"24 hours." I whisper.

"Mr. Cameron?"

"I appreciate you calling me, Doc."

"Well, I didn't call you."

"Whatever. I just... having one more day to at least put my life in order,
maybe catch one last episode of Baywatch..."

"Mr. Cameron."

"Yes?"

He sighs heavily. "I'll call in a prescription for some placeboes right
away. Treated aggressively, you should be well on your way to recovery by
the end of the week."

Doctors may not say exactly what they mean..........
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.


By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to
his feet.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have
suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he
stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would
like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

This patient has been under many psychiatrists in the past

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

She was divorced last April. No other serious illness.

Dr. [Blank] is watching his prostate.

The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other
people.

The patient was somewhat agitated and had to be encouraged to feed and
eat himself.

The patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused
by an insect bite by an ophthalmologist.

Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her
forties.

Physician has been following the patient's breast for six years.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above
the knee amputation last year.

When doctors were told to contribute to the construction
of a new wing at a hospital:

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of
nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face
on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.

The new wing didn't fly!

Conversation between two small boys in the children's ward of a
hospital:

"Are you medical or surgical?"

"Gee, I don't know what you mean by that."

"Well, were you sick when you came in, or did they make you sick
after you got here?"