The Doctor is in the House

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his
psychiatrist.

"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed
that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very
disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back
to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and
then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my
appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this
strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding,
"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some
tests. The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does this make
you think of?"

"Sex."

The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question.

"Sex," the patient answers again.

The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts... a
house, a car, an apple, and so on... each time getting the same
response. Sex, sex, and sex. Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have
an obsession with sex."

The patient says, "Me? You're the one who's drawing all those dirty
pictures!"

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he
started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford
to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he
told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above
his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to
slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away
from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided
to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word
into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

Have you exhausted the excuses for taking a day off? Are all your
grannies dead? Does the boss no longer believe the one about the
crippled aunt who keeps falling over?

Well, then, try these! They're not *excuses*, they're *real*!

AIR CONTROLLERS SYNDROME: Peptic ulcers occurring among air traffic
controllers, as a result of job stress. {Illinois Medical Journal,
1972}

ALOPECIA WALKMANIA: Loss of hair from prolonged use of personal
stereo headphones. {Journal of the American Medical Association,
1984}

ANCHORMAN GLAZE: Glazed-eye look of TV anchorman caused by looking at
the teleprompter through glaring camera lights.
{Syracuse, New York, TV station, 1960}

ARTIC TEMPER: Extreme irritability developing amongst arctic
explorers exposed to darkness, monotony, isolation and sensory
depravation.
{Lancet, 1910}

BEER DRINKERS FINGER: Swelling, bluish discoloration and wasting of
finger caused by placing pop-top beer can rings on finger. {JAMA,
68}

BINGO BRAIN: The headache associated with carbon monoxide
intoxication which occurs after spending long hours in smoke filled
bingo halls. {Canadian Medical Association, 1982}

BIRDWATCHERS TWITCH: The nervous excitement of spotting a species for
the first time. {New Scientist, 1982}

BODY BUILDERS PSYCHOSIS: Psychotic episodes associated with the use
of anabolic steroids; causing hallucinations, paranoid delusions,
grandiose beliefs and manic-depressive symptoms. {Lancet, 1987}

BOOKSELLERS BENDS: Sickness caused by changes in atmospheric pressure
as the book the customer wants is always on the top shelf. {?}

CASINO FEET: Soreness of the feet caused by standing in front of slot
machines for long periods of time. {Wilmington Morning Star, 1981}

CHICKEN NECK WRINGERS FINGER: Partial dislocation and arthritis of
middle finger joint from continued use of this finger to dislocate
chicken necks for slaughtering. {BMA Journal, 1955}

CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION: Psychological stress during holidays related to
the use of alcohol and social pressures. {JAMA, 1982}

CREDIT-CARD-ITIS: Pain over the rear and down thigh due to pressure
on nerve from a wallet stuffed with credit cards.
{New England Medical Journal, 1966}

DISCO DIGIT: A sore finger from snapping fingers while dancing.
{New England Medical Journal}

DOG WALKERS ELBOW: Pain caused by constant tension and tugs from a
dog leash. {New England Medical Journal, 1979}

ELECTRONIC SPACE-WAR VIDEO-GAME EPILEPSY: Epilepsy caused by the
flashing lights of electronic video games. {BMA Journal, 1982}

ESPRESSO WRIST: Pain in espresso coffee machine operators from strong
wrist motions required to make the coffee. {JAMA, 1956}

FLIP-FLOP DERMATITIS: Skin disease on feet from wearing rubber flip-
flops. {BMA Journal, 1965}

FRISBEE FINGER: Cutting of finger from strenuous throwing of a
frisbee. {New England Medical Journal, 1975}

GOLF ARM: Shoulder and elbow pain after too many rounds of golf.
{BMA Journal, 1896}

HOOKERS ELBOW: Painful shoulder swelling suffered by fishermen
repeatedly jerking upwards on a fishing line. {New England Medical
Journal, 1981}

HOUSWIFITIS: Nervous symptoms related to spending too much time
managing a busy household. {Centrescope, 1976}

HUMPERS LUMP: Swelling suffered by hotel porters from lugging heavy
bags. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

ICE-CREAM FROSTBITE: Frostbite on the lips from prolonged contact
with ice-cream. {New England Medical Journal, 1982}

JAZZ BALLET BOTTOM: Painful abscesses suffered by dancers who
frequently spin on their bottoms. {Daily Telegraph, 1987}

JEANS FOLLICULITIS: Irritation of the hair follicles from the waist
down to the knees caused by ultra-tight jeans.
{New England Medical Journal, 1981}

JOYSTICK DIGIT: Trigger finger pain following prolonged use of video
game joysticks. {JAMA, 1987}

KNIFE SHARPENERS CRAMP: Painful hand swelling from sharpening too
many knives. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

LABEL LICKERS TONGUE: Ulcers in mouth from sensitivity to sticky
labels. {Dangerous Trades, 1902}

MONEY COUNTERS CRAMP: Painful seizure of muscles from counting too
much cash. {English University Press, 1975}

MOTORWAY BLUES: The sort of headaches noted by drivers on congested
motorways. {BMA Journal, 1963}

NUNS KNEE: Swelling of kneecap from repeated kneeling in prayer.
{Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

OYSTER SHUCKERS KERATITIS: Eye irritation from contact with fragments
of oyster shells. {BMA Journal, 1896}

PANTIE GIRDLE SYNDROME: Tingling or swelling of feet from wearing a
too-tight pantie girdle. {BMA Journal, 1972}

PLAYERS LIVER: The hazard of spending too long in the bar instead of
playing the game. {Encyclopedia of Sports, 1971}

QUICK-DRAW LEG: Bullet wound in leg from practicing fast draw from
gun in belt holster. {JAMA, 1966}

REFLEX HORN SYNDROME: Tendency for drivers waiting in traffic jams to
toot horns. {New England Medical Journal, 1976}

RETIRED HUSBAND SYNDROME: Tension, headaches, depression and anxiety
felt by women whose husbands have just retired. {Western Journal of
Medicine, 1984}

SEAMSTRESSES BOTTOM: Hardening of skin following long-term trauma of
rocking on the hips while operating a sewing machine. {American
Family Physician, 1979}

SICK SANTAS SYNDROME: Low back pain from lifting heavy children and
parcels and acquired illnesses from multiple contact with kids.
{JAMA, 1986}

TELEVISION LEGS: Loss of normal flexibility of the legs from being
slumped
in a chair in front of the box for too long. {JAMA, 1958}

TOILET SEAT DERMATITIS: Skin irritation on rear from spending too
much time on the toilet. {Archive of Dermatology, 1933}

UNIFORM RASH: Skin irritation of neck, chest and arms from wearing
new uniforms. {BMJ, 1973}

VOLKSWAGEN DERMATITIS: Allergic skin reaction caused by rubber bumper
guards. {Archive of Dermatology, 1971}

WORKING WIFE SYNDROME: Fatigue, irritability, headaches and
diminished sex drive from strain of doing two jobs. {Lancet, 1966}

YOGA FOOT DROP: Paralysis of foot due to compounded pressure from
practicing Yoga positions. {JAMA, 1971}

By Jim Rosenberg

When one of the boys gets sick, it affects our whole family.

With David and Jacob, we have each end of the bipolar sickness mood
line. Allow me to use the dog analogy, first explained by me to Barbara
at 3 in the morning while David uncorked a fabulous night of whine
tasting. David is the classic "Big Mopey Dog" -- he gets all tired,
feverish, and pathetic. He just wants to be held and occasionally
whimper. This is sad, but not too sad. Barbara has always had the "80%
Theory" about David: he would be perfect if he were 80% of what he is
now. I don't like to ask her too much about the theory, because I
believe it extends to other, adult people living in the house, some of
whom may be typing this right now. Jacob is the "Little Yappy Dog" --
he squirms and squawks and lures you right up close to him so he can
issue the "Begin Spewing" command -- or at least open his bottomless
mucous spigot and drain it onto your suit jacket.


I often take the boys to the pediatrician, which is a stressful
experience. First, David can be counted on to mother me. Despite our
almost genderless family structure, David is deeply suspicious of my
nurturing ability, and keeps mental track of my failures in this
department. "Daddy," he begins. "Don't forget to take the checkbook.
Last time, you didn't take the checkbook. Last time, that frowny-face
lady said you owed money. Last time, you said you'd remember the
checkbook..." Okay, okay! I'll remember the checkbook, now get off my
back you three year old nag!"


I am typically the only man at the place, except for parents who are
obviously on their first visit with a newborn -- before the men have had
time to come up with the really good excuses ("Must hunt food. Must
kill beast."). When I open the door to the waiting room, the women look
up and gasp as if it's Elvis.


I cannot let it bother me, because my mind is 100% occupied with the
instructions Barbara gave me. She, and only she, knows *exactly* what
to tell the Doctor in order to get the medicine. This information is so
complicated I've got to keep repeating it to myself so I don't forget
(mucous green, fever for at least four days, poor appetite; mucous
green, fever for...). If I mess up, I've got to grab a Doctor, hold my
mechanical pencil up to his throat, and shout to the whole office:
"Okay, everybody chill. Just give me the pink antibiotic stuff and
nobody gets hurt. That's right, nice and easy."

When David is being examined, he lets up on lecturing me and starts
bossing around the Doctor for a bit. "You forgot to look in my ears to
see if they're pink," he says -- barely hiding his disgust. I enjoy the
break, and usually get a sympathetic look from the Doctor. Jacob, on
the other hand, screams from check in to check out at the top of his
lungs. When he is actually being examined, he hits a Minnie
Ripperton-like high note which shatters the glass covering the Doctor's
diploma. Then, he looks at me as if I've sold him out.

I love the boys' pediatrician. He is an older doctor who I like to call
"Metaphor Man." He has long since abandoned the awkward jargon of most
physicians, and replaced it with a mind-blowing repertoire of metaphors
for every possible sickness. I can't wait to get to the end of the
visit so he can let me have it, in all it's vivid glory: "Mr.
Rosenberg, David's cold here is like a train. We could try to run next
to it as fast as we can, but all that would do is get us tired.
Instead, we could let it run its course and guide it as best we can in
the right direction." I have a weakness for this sort of stuff, and
this guy is an absolute master. Every time I leave the office, I
rededicate myself to becoming a more colorful writer.

The problem is, when I get home Barbara asks me "what did the Doctor
say?" My answer is usually "don't run next to a train." This doesn't
sit well with the Mrs., who doesn't appreciate metaphors the way I do,
and simply wants Jacob to stop retching on her navy blue wool blazer.

I'm getting better at the sick thing, but I know I've still got a long
way to go.

Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome

Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1998

Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

On January 2, 1998, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who
appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately
state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of
generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general
malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild
respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed
these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO!
HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's
occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to
many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer,
and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work
for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining
Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a
unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this
man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-
Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during
his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and
erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has
smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations
at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per
day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in
the past. He has no known allergies.
Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the
world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all
available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and
eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high
percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he
collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and
cookies). Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not
name any relatives.

Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80
vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and
Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal
abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other
particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights.
He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through
the day, and worsened by stress.

He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and
falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot
wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent
with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds.
Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and
distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of
hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of
150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He
has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during
exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure,
but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary
lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking,
and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease,
myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests
subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute
to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished
fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A
neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his
L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy
sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first
falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum,
which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely
etiology being the soot from chimneys.

Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be
organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his
personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits
long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago.
This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced,
head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence.
Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound
unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the
widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he
reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may
feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may
have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason
he employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe
his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-
image problems stemming from his obesity.

The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people
do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious
identity crisis if not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to
choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and
inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are
"naughty" and "nice". Because he experiences total darkness lasting
many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective
Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.

Treatment and Counselling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A
referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem.
On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further
cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to
wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents
where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh,
heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet
and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a high-fibre,
low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking.
He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it
remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out
for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports
doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".

Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms,
should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I
encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied
professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg
Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/
physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of
children everywhere depend on effective management of these
syndromes.

Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and
putrifies my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place
without my consent. I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again.
The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on
a chair and pissed on your head and clothes without your consent?

A Hospital to Avoid

South African Health - Pelonomi Hospital
Date: 26 July 1996 10:08

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead
patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for
the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive
checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible
bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However,
further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths.
It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the
ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support
system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go
about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would
plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the
patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams
and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.

"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in
question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department
is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there
should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now
closed."

from (Cape Times, 6/13/96)
BTW, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes
Off Patients."