An American GI was fighting in Vietnam. One day he received 2 letters from
home, one letter comes from his mom asking for his picture, one letter comes
from his girl friend also asking for his picture. He had only 1 picture that he
took at a beach standing naked. He didn't know what to do so he decided to cut
the picture into two, the top half he sent to his girl friend.
The bottom half he sent to his mom because he knew his mom had a poor
eyesight, she wouldn't know. When his mom received the bottom half of his naked
picture, she sighed: "Poor my little boy! He has no time to shave his beard. He
looks like his father, always has a cigar on his mouth."

The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early
retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full
annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along
the retiring general's body, between two points he chose.
The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for
$720,000.
The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands
to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of
my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get
the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop 'em and he did. The
Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General's penis and began to
work back. "My God!" He said, "Where are your testicles?"
The General replied, "Back in Vietnam."